


It was just a kiss

by darkjin



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Sex, Begging, Branding, Catatonic brokenness, Disturbing Themes, Double Anal Penetration, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, False Accusations, Fucked Up, Fucked up therapy with your rapist, Gang Rape, Hurt No Comfort, Law says it isn't rape but it's rape, Lima Syndrome, M/M, Mindfuck, No Romance, Non-Consensual, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Non-Consensual Touching, Painful Sex, Psychological Horror, Psychological Torture, Punishment, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Seriously fucked up, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Sexual Violence, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Violence, Whipping, Wrongful Imprisonment, false confessions, no happy ending, revenge rape, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-12-30 07:22:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 28,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12103641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkjin/pseuds/darkjin
Summary: Jacen is wrongfully convicted of raping Lord Yates' daughter Serina. He is branded as a rapist, whipped, and sentenced to serve 7 years as an indentured servant in Lord Yates' estate. Lord Yates turns Jacen over to his steward Robert to ensure justice is served. And they believe that justice will only be served if Jacen learns intimately what it means to be raped, violated, and used repeatedly during his 7 year sentence.READER ADVISORY: This story contains potentially triggering scenes of abuse, graphic rape, and torture. This story is dark and disturbing, and readers should not expect a journey of healing or recovery, romance, or a happy ending.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I used fictional laws defining rape for this story. I'm not suggesting that this is what I think rape is or should be, but here are the fictional laws on rape and consent in this fictional world:
> 
> Rape - Sexual relations without consent.
> 
> Sexual relations - Forcible penetration of a penis into a vaginal or anal opening.
> 
> Consent - Consent for a woman must be given by her husband or if unmarried, by her father.  
> An indentured servant is incapable of refusing consent during his or her period of service (or, in other words, an indentured servant is always consenting, and therefore can't be raped).
> 
> The above fictional laws are obviously not the law anywhere. It wasn't even what the law used to be. They were inspired by the original common law definition for rape, but modified to fit the needs for this story. For the curious, common law rape used to be limited to "the carnal knowledge of a woman by force and against her will." Personally, I'm glad our rape laws have evolved and continue to evolve to protect more people.
> 
> Now, on to my fucked up story ...

“We hereby find the defendant Jacen Smith guilty of the crime of rape. He did have sexual relations with the daughter of Lord Yates without her father’s consent. The punishment is branding, publicly whipped till bloody, and service as an indentured servant to Lord Yates for a period of seven years.” 

Throughout the entire trial and sentencing, my thoughts were stuck in a loop, “It was just a kiss. Just a kiss.” 

My heart refused to believe this was happening. But I couldn’t physically stop my ears from hearing the words.

Throughout the trial, I knew I didn’t have a chance. I was a shopkeeper’s son. Serina Yates was a lord’s daughter. No one would believe me over her.

The first time Serina came into the shop, I had a small crush on her. She was cute and charming. I was astonished that a girl like that would even notice someone like me. I knew she was out of my league, but it was nice to be noticed. But she came back again, and again. Each time, with another excuse. She flirted with me, and I stupidly flirted back. Then, last week, Serina kissed me. It was my first kiss. I blushed, made up some excuse and fled. That was it. I didn’t know how to react when a lord’s daughter kissed me, and so I fled.

The next day, the Constable arrested me for rape. His eyes were gentle, like he knew I didn’t do it, but he didn’t have a choice. The allegations were made, they were serious, and he had to arrest me so the judge could determine my fate. 

The trial was a farce. Serina cried prettily and lied about how I forced her, how I raped her in the shop last week, and how scared she was of everyone’s reaction if it was discovered I raped her. Her father testified on Serina’s virtue, how my rape ruined Serina’s marriage prospects, and how Serina finally confessed to the rape when it was discovered that she was not a virgin during her virtue check following the announcement of her betrothal.

I wasn’t allowed to speak freely in my defense, nor was anyone allowed to speak for me. The judge explained, that this was to protect Serina from further emotional distress. I was allowed to answer only “Yes” or “No” to questions posed by the judge, and the questions he asked showed that he clearly thought I raped Serina. Any time I tried to explain I never even had sex with anyone, never mind with Serina, I was cut off, and forced to limit my answers to “Yes” or “No,” even if neither “Yes” or “No” was an appropriate response. For instance, I was asked, “Did you care whether Serina was a virgin when you decided to rape her?” and I had no idea how I could answer “Yes” or “No” to that.

I wasn’t surprised that he found me guilty. I knew the class inequalities weren’t in my favor.

But I never thought this would happen to me. I naively thought that because I was a good person, because I was well-liked and sociable, that I would be protected from these types of horror stories. But this horror story was about to become my life.

I was terrified.

The sentence was the equivalent of a death sentence. It was well known that almost no branded criminals survived their sentences. The branding would let everyone know that I was convicted of rape. It was permission to treat me as dirt. Before this, I thought branded criminals deserve the harsh treatment others gave them. The whipping would scar me, and may even cripple me. Rapists and murderers deserve it. I wasn’t a rapist. But I was about to be branded and treated as one.

I couldn’t see anyone else’s reaction at the sentencing through the tears streaming down my face, but I could hear Mama sobbing behind me. I could feel my little sister clutching my left arm. I knew my family was devastated. I could only imagine the shame they must feel at having a son convicted of rape.

I felt a large hand grab me around my right arm, pulling me away from my family.

It was the Constable. Before he could, Mama gave me a final hug goodbye, gently cradled my head in both her hands and searched my eyes, “I know they will hurt you and you will want to give up. Promise me that you won't. Promise me that you will be strong. Promise me.”

Promise me you won’t suicide is what she was asking me.

“I promise, Mama.”

The constable moved me over to the back area outside the courtroom, where they had a place set up for the branding and whipping. The crowd stood still when I emerged from the courtroom, silent and foreboding. Unlike other trials, there were no booing or cheers. It was quiet, like a funeral.

When I saw the whipping post, I panicked.

My future became all too real.

“Please, no.” I slid to the floor, and sobbed. I didn’t deserve this. It was just a kiss!

The Constable grabbed me up by the shoulders, and hauled me to the post. I struggled against him, but he was expecting resistance from me. “I know, kiddo. We don’t got a choice.” 

He secured me to the post, quickly and professionally. I felt a cup against my lips, as he told me, “Drink this. It’ll help.” I shook my head, stupidly thinking that I could delay this. He tried again, “Drink. Or it will be a lot more painful.” With a shuttering sob, I obeyed.

I was thankful for the tonic, recognizing it was some type of a painkiller and a sedative. I knew it wasn’t normal for a sentenced criminal to receive this before a public whipping, but we all knew that my trial was a farce and this was unfair. I was thankful for this small mercy.

The world become more fuzzy, the edges dulled. I was only dimly aware of being stripped of my clothes, of the piece of leather slipped between my teeth and was secured behind my head. My mind spaced out, caught between one thought and another, until the sharp pain encompassed my world.

I jerked and screamed, and I wanted desperately for the smell of burnt flesh to go away, for the sharp intolerable pain on my chest to disappear. I wanted this to be over. It was just beginning.

My chest would forever mark me as a rapist for the rest for my life. The “R” could never be removed.

I didn’t get much time to recover from the branding before the whipping began. The first lash against my back surprised me, I wasn’t expecting it to start right away without warning. I was so focused on the branding on my chest I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on behind me until the pain of the whipping refocused my attention. 

I screamed and begged incoherently. But the lashes continued without pause, without mercy. It was getting harder to breathe. After only the fifth lash, my knees gave out, and I was hanging solely by my arms. But the whipping continued.

Eventually, I didn't have the breath to continue screaming. I entered a semi-comatose state where all I knew was pain. Everything else faded away; the sound of the whip cracking, my panting breaths, the burn of the branding on my chest, the whip against my back. I don’t know when the whipping stopped. I was beyond the point where I could notice the difference. I was trapped in a world where pain was my only master.

I faded until I lost consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

I spent the next two months recovering in the jail. The Constable said my sentence as an “indentured servant” (which was just a fancy word for slave) would begin when I could walk unassisted to Lord Yates’ estate because “he would be damned if he had to carry me.” I couldn’t complain. He treated me well, made sure I was fed, changed my dressings, gave me medicine, and for the most part, left me alone. 

I was staring at the wall, trying not to think, when the Constable entered the jail cell.

“I’m sorry, Jacen, but it’s time to go.”

I nodded, doing my best to swallow my fear. I was still weak as a lamb, but the two month reprieve was longer than I could have hoped for. I knew the break before my slave service was coming to an end after the doctor’s visit yesterday was so short.

I got up, and waited for him to unlock the jail cell. I was mildly surprised that he didn’t bother with restraints. Then again, I was so weak that they were unnecessary. Plus, I had been cooperative during my entire time with him that he probably didn’t feel they were necessary even if I was a convicted criminal.

Despite his grumblings about waiting for me to recover so I could walk the distance to Lord Yate’s estate, he arranged for a horse and cart to take us there. The ride was quiet, with neither of us having anything to say. I was stuck in my head, anxious over what Lord Yates was planning to do to me. I wasn’t at full strength yet and if he expected me to do hard labor, I would fail. I didn’t want to know what his consequences would be for failure.

When we approached the entrance, the Constable quietly announced who he was and asked for Lord Yates to meet us. 

The estate was expansive. I knew Lord Yates had a large ranching business and was wealthy, but I had no idea. His estate was like a small town, with just as many people working there. There were dozens of buildings, and I guessed the small shacks by the orchards were the slave quarters. Maybe that would be where I would stay?

I didn’t have much time to ponder my fate before Lord Yates and another man came out. As always, Lord Yates made me afraid. Before, I was uncomfortable because I was afraid of offending him. Now, because of the power he had over my life.

I didn’t know the other man accompanying Lord Yates, but I think he was the steward. He just stood by in the background.

Lord Yates looked at me appraisingly. “He’s recovered now? No restrictions? Ready to begin his restitution?” I could hear the sneer in his voice, the derision at the excuse for the delay for my service.

The Constable replied, “Jacen is cleared to begin service. Doctor recommends that he works half days or do only household work for the first month.”

Lord Yates frowned. “He’s a criminal. I am not going to coddle him like a spoiled brat just cause he whines at putting in an honest day’s work.”

The Constable shrugged. “Just relaying what the doctor said. The whipping cut through the muscle to the bone, and that type of soft tissue damage takes time to heal. If you don’t care, and want to deal with a crippled servant for the next seven years, that’s on you. You’re responsible for his medical care from now on.”

I wanted to laugh. We all knew Lord Yates would not be giving me any medical care, even if I was dying.

Lord Yates gave a curt nod, clearly dismissing the Constable. As the Constable passed by me, I whispered a quick “Thank you.” He smiled briefly, and squeezed my arm in passing. I was on my own.

I looked down, unsure of what to do or what the protocol was for how slaves should act.

“Take off your shirt. I want to see the brand.”

I want to object, but I knew better than to argue. I had no rights. Grimacing, I took off my shirt. Unsure what I should do with the shirt afterwards, I held it in my hand.

I briefly looked at the steward, but he just stood there observing with slight smirk on his face. I quickly looked back down.

Lord Yates stepped into my personal space, and prodded at the brand on my chest roughly with his fingers. It was still tender, and I bit my tongue to try to keep quiet. 

I didn’t know what he was thinking, and I tried not to think too hard about it. There was nothing I could do about it. I had to accept it, whatever it was.

Without warning, he grabbed my shoulders, turning me around. I felt his fingers prodding at the scar tissue on my back. His fingers traced the scars from the top near my shoulders down my back, then his hands circled my waist. Before I could guess what he was trying to do, he reached around and tugged off my pants. My hands immediately moved to cover myself.

My heart was thudding in my chest, and I tried to take a calming breath in before I panicked. I didn’t know what he want to do, but I knew it couldn’t be good. 

I never felt so vulnerable as I did then, standing naked before these men in the open with my pants around my ankles as Lord Yates’ hands traced my scars down my thighs. I wondered if he could feel my body trembling in fear.

I was praying feverently in my head to any god that would listen to me. Please, please don’t rape me. I’ll do anything you want. Just please don’t hurt me.

When Lord Yates’ was done touching my scars, he turned me around again.

“Move your hands away.”

I blushed and shook my head, refusing to obey. My eyes were still looking down, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I could still feel Lord Yates’ hands on me, and his steward’s eyes me as well.

“Move your hands or I will have you whipped again.”

Knowing he could do just that, I slowly moved my hands away. I snuck a hand up to wipe away my tears.

“You truly are a disgusting piece of shit.” My heart was in my throat. I could taste my fears about to become reality.

“Lord Yates, please sir-” I tried to begged before he knocked me to the ground.

While I was down, I felt a hard kick to my ribs and I curled in protectively despite the pain to my back.

“Robert, if you don’t mind?” Lord Yates asked.

The steward came forward with chains, and with practiced efficiency, shackled my wrists behind my back. My pants fell away completely, and I lost my slippers as well. I was well and truly naked now. 

I thought that would be it, then he reached back into the basket he had with him and pulled out a small metal contraption. I had no idea what it was or what he intended to do with it when he straddled my chest, then started touching me. I panicked. “No, no, no!”

“Jacen, stop struggling.” 

I ignored him. I twisted and tried to knee him, anything to stop him from touching me. I was almost feral in my fear.

Robert must have decided that explaining what was going on was the better option than continuing to fight with me. He held up the device. “This is a chastity cage. It will prevent you from raping anyone else. Unless you want me to castrate you, stop struggling.” I almost couldn’t hear him over my begging and screams, but I did hear him and was rational enough to realize that I couldn’t win this fight. I paused just enough for him to slip the device over my flaccid penis and secure it with a small lock.

When he was done, Robert stood up, leaving me sobbing on the ground. 

Lord Yates looked coolly down at me. “Let’s clarify the rules: You are not allowed to cover up that brand for any reason. You will not remove the chastity device. You don’t speak unless you are given permission. You will not fight us or disobey any orders given. Disobey, and your punishment will be swift and harsh. Nod if you understand.”

I nodded, misery etched in every muscle of my body.

I tried to beg with my eyes. Please don’t hurt me. I’ll do anything you want. Please don’t hurt me.

“I have work to attend to. Robert, I trust you will handle this like we discussed?”

Robert grinned broadly. “Gladly. I know everyone is looking forward to welcoming Jacen at the party tonight.”

I tried to tell myself not to jump to conclusions. That so far they haven’t hurt me, even after my disobedience earlier. But I knew those were just lies. I was going to be hurt. There was no way I wasn’t going to be hurt at a “welcome party.” I was a slave. I had no rights.

Lord Yates left, and now it was just Robert and I. 

He reached again into the basket and withdrew a long piece of rope. He loosely tied one end around my throat like a leash. He then grabbed my arms and hauled me up, “Come on, here we go.” He stuffed my clothes into the basket, and carried the basket with him as he led me by his makeshift rope leash.

Red-faced, I followed him down the path towards the east side of the estate, wishing my hands were free so I could at least cover myself.

He led me into a small cottage. I assumed it was his, because he seemed to relaxed once he was inside. He closed and locked the door behind me, then led me to the bedroom in the back. 

Looking at the large bed, I was very aware that I was still naked and he had no issues touching me earlier. I wanted to follow the rules; I didn’t want to break them so soon, but I was so scared and beginning to panic again.

He tied the other end of my leash to the headboard, and ignored me for a bit. I tried to cower as far away as I could in the corner, and watched Robert fearfully. I felt like a scared rabbit caught in a snare.

Robert went back to the doorway on the other side. He took off his boots, his jacket, and his belt. Only then did he turn his attention back to me. He grabbed the leash and tugged on it, forcing me up or else I would choke. I reluctantly stood up and stepped closer to him.

He continued to tug on the leash, pulling me closer until I was right up against him. I wanted to beg, but remembered that I wasn’t allowed to speak without permission.

“Show me how you raped Serina,” he said. My eyes widened. I tried to back up, but the leash was too tight. “Come on. Show me.” Robert grabbed the leash, pulling me closer. 

I shook my head, and rules be damned, I said, “I didn’t rape her!”

“Liar!” 

“I swear I didn’t. I’ve never had sex with anyone before. I didn’t rape her.” I struggled to get away from the bed, but I was severely handicapped with my arms bound behind me and my neck tied to a leash to the bed. Robert gained some leverage and managed to get my upper body pinned against the bed. 

“Please don’t do this.” I could feel his body pressing against mine. His chest against my back, his thighs against mine. Thankfully he was still clothed. But then I felt one of his arms start moving like he was removing his clothes. Oh gods…

“Is that what Serina said before you raped her? Did you ignore her as she begged you to stop?” Robert’s hands started groping at the globes of my buttcheeks, caressing them in circles. 

“I didn’t rape her. I swear to the gods I didn’t.”

“Did you touch her like this?” His fingers dipped into my crease, sliding intimately between my thighs. I felt Robert’s fingers probing at my entrance, promising pain and violation.

“I didn’t rape her.” I repeated brokenly. He wasn’t listening. He was going to rape me regardless of what I said, there was nothing I could say that would convince him not to hurt me.

Robert’s hands pushed my legs further apart, spreading me wide open for him. I tried to clench my muscles hard as I could, as if I could stop him from penetrating me. I sobbed, knowing that my worst fears were about to happen.

I felt his hard dick nudge against my hole. His precum slicking my rim only slightly on the outside. He slid his dick up along my crease, teasing me with the impending rape.

“Did she scream?” He leaned forward, pressing his chest to my back and whispered in my ear. “Did she cry when you forced yourself into her?” He thrust hard, piercing into me. I didn’t open completely on that first thrust, but it was painful enough that I involuntarily loosened enough for him to penetrate me on the second thrust. I didn’t recognize the garbled cry from my throat, it sounded so raw and animalistic.

“You are so tight. Was she tight for you?” Each thrust tore into me. I could feel myself spasming around his cock as he thrust into me. The pain was immense, and I couldn’t imagine how I would endure this again and again. 

This felt like a whipping concentrated on just one area, and I could smell the metallic blood in the air. At least during my whipping, the Constable gave me the sedative. And I mercifully passed out. But even though this pain was just as bad, I knew I would not pass out soon. I had no choice but to suffer and endure.

When I stopped screaming on every thrust, he began to hit me to encourage me to cry out. It worked for a time, but eventually even that couldn’t make me cry out. I didn’t have the energy anymore. My throat was raw.

After several more minutes, Robert withdrew from me. The withdraw was also painful, but less than the initial penetration. I hoped that was it, that I survived the worst of it.

“Which position did you fuck her in? Was it face to face?” Robert flipped me over so I was laying on my back. I was beyond the point where I could resist. He grabbed my legs up, pushed my knees towards my chest, and reentered me in one punishing thrust. I didn’t have the energy to scream anymore, but the pain was relentless.

I felt like I was dying. “Please stop. I’ll do anything you want. Just please stop.”

Robert grinned at me. “Did she beg you to stop too?” He continued, making sure each thrust was long, deep, and as painful as possible.

I couldn’t bear to look at Robert’s face. He was positively gleeful at the pain he was causing me. I shut my eyes, and tried to distance myself from my body.

He let my legs drop down to the sides, and started caressing my torso. He paid special attention to my brand.

“Did you love playing with her tits?” He reached down and twisted my right nipple. I cried out pathetically. I felt so broken. I just wanted this to be over, but Robert seemed to have endless stamina. 

“I swear I didn’t touch her. I swear!”

Robert stopped thrusting so suddenly that I hoped that maybe he believed me. Please, please…

I didn’t dare open my eyes. I didn’t want to be in my body any more. Seeing how I looked after my rape would make it real.

I felt Robert pull my shoulders up so I was sitting up. 

He cradled the back of my head, and I couldn’t help but open my eyes to see what he was doing. He then kissed me. His hands slowly lowered me back down, but he continued kissing me like we were lovers making out. I didn’t want it, but he forced his way inside my mouth. I thought about biting him but I was too scared of the consequences. His hands began roaming around again, and I squirmed around.

“I know you kissed her. Was that forced too?” I shook my head, the fight gone from me. It was just a kiss.

Robert climbed up my body to straddle my chest. 

“Suck it.” He waved his dick in front of my mouth. It was covered in blood and shit. I stared in disbelief. He wanted me to suck his dick after he raped me in the ass with it? I shook my head. No, no no.

“Obey. I’ve been lenient with you considering this is your first day. But my patience is not without limits. Obey.”

I hesitated.

“Jacen,” he cautioned. 

Gods, I couldn’t. I knew he could easily force me. I knew the consequence would be bad. But I just couldn’t.

Robert looked disappointed. He reached out and pinched my nose shut. It wasn’t long before I opened my mouth for a breath and Robert forced his dick inside. The taste made me gag, and Robert ignored my gagging and simply shoved in deeper. I couldn’t push him away or pull back to breathe, and I thought this is how I was going to die, choking on his dick.

Robert withdrew just enough for me to gasp some air then continued to face fuck me. While it was not as painful as the anal rape, it was more humbling to be so used. He continued to fuck me until he came. He deliberately pulled out so I could taste his cum, and spread it over my face. I spit it out. 

“You look good with my cum dripping all over you.” 

I had no more tears. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. When I was in the jail cell contemplating this scenario, I thought I would be angry and full of fight. I wasn’t angry or even ashamed. I just felt numb.


	3. Chapter 3

As punishment for disobeying, Robert said I would not be able to eat today and for future meals, I would have to earn it first by pleasing him before being allowed to eat. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to do that. I just couldn’t.

Robert left the room, and I heard water going in the next room. I assumed he was bathing, so I hoped that meant he was done with me. I passed out from exhaustion. I was so tired that I didn’t feel myself being moved.

I was forced awake by the sharp pain of a cock forcing it’s way into my ass. I quickly realized I was outside, laying on my stomach on the ground. My arms were no longer restrained behind me, but tied above together above my head. I struggled against the person fucking me but I was too weak to do anything more than wiggle.

I guess this was the welcome party Robert mentioned earlier. I couldn’t get a good look around, but I could tell that there was a circle of men surrounding me watching my rape. The malice directed at me was palatable. 

“Teach him what a real rape is like.”  
“Fuck him in his pussy.”  
“Fuck him up.”

The person raping me noticed that I was now awake, and began fucking me harder. Thankfully, he finished quickly. Unfortunately, he was quickly replaced by someone else. 

Oh gods, is this my life now? As a used fuck toy? I didn’t have any more tears to express myself. How did this become my life? I wanted to scream in frustration. I didn’t deserve this. Why was this happening to me?

The second rape was easier to endure physically, if only because the cum provided some lubrication and I was wide open. But it was still painful, and my skin still crawled. After the second one was done, I was half expecting another one to replace him, but I was given a break.

Lord Yates stepped into the center of the circle. “Now that our guest of honor is awake, we can get started.”

I wanted to crawl away and disappear.

“My daughter Serina was beautiful. Her laughter would light up a room. She was kind, always helping others and giving. She was a joy. She was pure. But her light was snuffed out by this shithole. He raped her repeatedly over the course of one night, ignoring her cries to stop. As a result, her betrothal to Lord Winters was cancelled, causing much embarrassment to this family. Justice will not be served until this shithole knows exactly what he did to Serina. This shithole needs to know what rape is. What it feels like to be used. You are all honorable men. We appreciate your support and assistance in bringing justice for Serina.”

In my worst nightmares, I never imagined that something so horrible could happen. I knew it was possible that I would be raped. But raped repeatedly all night, by multiple men? Would I survive that? Would there be anything left of me?

The men didn’t hesitate in raping me. Nor did they bother being gentle. 

I was fucked. I was used. Repeatedly.

This morning, I was a virgin. And today, I was thoroughly violated. My innocence gone. I lost hope for any type of a future. 

I prayed for death. I know I promised Mama that I wouldn’t give up, that I would be strong. But this was impossible. I was raped in the most painful way possible, without respite. My sentence wasn’t indentured servitude, it was torture, pure and simple. I prayed to the gods that I would get sick and die, or that I wouldn’t wake up the next day. But I promised Mama that I wouldn’t hurt myself, so unless the gods helped me out, I wouldn’t break my promise to Mama. I knew she would forgive me, but I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I broke that promise.

By the end of that night, I no longer protested at anything. They broke me completely. The Jacen I used to be, that Jacen died.


	4. Chapter 4

They left me like a broken toy lying in the field. My eyes were open but I wasn’t really seeing what was in front of me. I was too overwhelmed. All I knew was pain. My back had reopened and I could feel the blood running down it again. My throat felt like it was swollen shut from the throat fucking and screaming. My chest felt heavy and swollen, like I had tits like a prepubescent girl but black from the constant twisting and pulling. Even my arms ached from struggling against my bonds. And my ass, I was certain that it was raw and still bleeding. I didn’t even want to think about what type of fluids I was covered in.

Two slaves came to get me in the morning. They dragged me to an outdoor trough where they quickly washed me off. They were brusk in washing me, treating me like they would livestock, but at least they didn’t abuse me. Once done, they dragged me inside Robert’s house.

I dreaded it.

Robert directed them to put me on his bed, sitting up against the headboard. Once their task was done, the slaves left, leaving me alone with the man who I would always remember as the one who raped me first.

Robert held up a glass of water. “Thirsty?”

I nodded shyly, wondering what he would demand from me for the water. But no, he just helped me drink the water. When I was done, he brushed my hair back from my face and pulled me down into bed with him. 

I instinctively shied away. Robert stopped me, and climbed over me. He leaned down and lowered his body so he was lying directly on top of me, shin to shin, thigh to thigh, groin to groin, belly to belly. He caught my head and kissed me deeply, forcing me open like he did yesterday. Like yesterday, his hands caressed my body like he was taking possession of me. He started grinding into me, and I could feel his erection poking at me through his clothes.

This was painful and too much for me to bear, but I learned last night that I could not protest by pushing him away even if I was hurting. It just made things worse.

He stopped kissing me, but his hips continued to rotate his hips into mine. It jarred my chastity cage, causing it to pinch me.

“No ‘no’s today?” he asked. I shook my head. I learned that my “no”s had no value here.

“Or is it only because I’m not fucking you yet?” He reached down and started to undo his pants. He pulled out his cock, already hard and ready.

I turned my head, trying to distance myself from the reality of what was going to happen to my body.

“I bet I can fuck a ‘no’ out of you.”

He moved one of my legs to the side to open me up for his dick, then entered me swiftly. The bright pain as I was torn open again was enough to make me cry out involuntarily. He pounded me into the headboard, each thrust feeling like a razor blade sawing me open.

He forced me to look at him. Looking at me intently, he said with a straight face, “If you say ‘no,’ I will stop fucking you.” 

I turned my head away again and bit my lip. As much I wanted him to stop, I didn’t believe him. I knew this game. I would say “No,” he would laugh and reply “Rapists don’t get to say ‘No.’” Cause that was all I was to them, a rapist that deserved to be treated like shit. I didn’t want to play that game. I hated mind games. I hated this.

He groaned in pleasure as I shifted involuntarily from the pain. “You must love getting fucked. Can’t get enough, even after last night?” I shook my head. I couldn’t even fathom how anyone found this experience pleasurable under any situation.

He continued pummeling his dick into me like a hammer driving a nail home. “You’re going to get so much cock, you won’t remember what it was like to have sex with a girl.” 

Despite the pain, I couldn’t stop my laughter. “I’ve never been with a girl. Before yesterday, I was a virgin.”

That really pissed him off. Robert bashed my head until I was bleeding. “Stop your fucking lies. Enough already. The trial is over. No one believes you.”

I stupidly didn’t just accept this but continued anyways. “You all are the fucking liars and rapists. I know if I say ‘No,’ you won’t stop. Watch, ‘No.’” I don’t know where this piece of defiance came from. I could have sworn it was fucked out of me last night.

I was surprised when Robert did stop fucking me. 

Shit. 

Robert didn’t say anything more. Just threw on a pair of pants and dragged me out of the bed and out of the house.

He forced me to an outside storage building and tied me to one of the center beams. He left for a little while and returned with another man. I recognized him as one of the men who raped me from last night.

“I’m tired of your lies. You are a rapist. You raped a beautiful girl. For what? Jealousy? Lust? The judge found you guilty. You were convicted. And yet you persist in telling these spiteful lies. I don’t think you can imagine the pain this family is going through after what you done. You don’t even have the decency to confess, never mind apologize to people you hurt.”

Robert traced the “R” on my brand as he spoke next. “Lord Yates wants justice. For you to regret what you did.” His hands moved to trace the scars on my back, moving down as he spoke. “For you to know exactly what you did to Serina. To know intimately how you made her feel during her rape.” 

His fingers breached inside me, fingering me slowly. “So you know how violated she felt under you.” 

He withdrew his fingers from my ass and wiped them on my face. “But I think we acted a little prematurely. Because you refuse to admit what you did. How can you appreciate the consequences of what you did if you can’t admit that you did it?”

Robert griped my chin. “We are not going to leave here until you admit what you did. Until you apologize and are ready to atone for your actions. No more lies.”


	5. Chapter 5

Almost immediately, I begged them to stop the water torture, but they paused only to give me a brief break then resumed. I was convinced they were going to kill me. On the second round, I again begged them to stop, but they said I wasn’t ready. By the third round, I was screaming “I raped her” so manically that I think I went insane.

I don’t know how many rounds we did, but by the time they finally did stop, I would have said anything they wanted. Anything to make them stop. I would have agreed to do anything. I would be anything they wanted me to be.

When they finally stopped, they propped me up in a chair with Robert towering over me.

“Confess.”

“I raped her.” I raped her.

“Why?”

“I asked her out. She said I wasn’t good enough for her. I wanted to show her.” I had no idea how I came up with this shit, but the words just flowed out.

“What did you do to her?”

“I raped her.” I raped her.

“Did she ask you to stop?”

“I loved her begging. It made me harder. It made me feel powerful.”

“Do you regret raping Serina?”

“No. I regret getting caught.” I sounded like a sociopath, but I think that’s what they wanted to hear. They wanted to a rapist they could hate.

“Why did you lie about raping Serina?”

“I was ashamed for my family. I was protecting them.” I had no idea if my answers made any sense.

Robert knelt down and touched my knees. “Jacen, thank you for your honesty. I’ll make a deal with you. If you agree to publicly confess and apologize to Lord Yates, I will make sure no one touches you intimately for a month. Do we have a deal?”

Gods, anything for that. “Yes.”

“I will let Lord Yates know of our deal.”

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Some slaves came in and helped me into the slave quarters, where I was able to rest and recover in peace. I slept most of the time, and a woman named Clare was kind enough to bring me some food and clothing.

They decided that I would publicly confess the next day. By then, I had healed enough that I could walk mostly unaided for short distances, albeit with a limp.

I was allowed to be fully dressed for the first time since my arrival at Lord Yates’ estate. I was escorted to the town square, where most of the townsfolk where gathered. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see Mama or Amy in the crowd. As much as I would love to see them, I know my confession would be hard for them to hear and accept.

Lord Yates, Serina, and Robert were standing at the front next to the Constable. I focused on them during the entire confession. “I know it has been several weeks since my conviction, but I I must clear my conscience. I must confess. I am guilty as charged of raping Serina Yates. I lied. I perjured myself during my trial. I raped her. She would come into my shop and play hard to get. I asked her out, and she refused. She told me I wasn’t good enough for her. That made me angry. I wanted to show her that she couldn’t lead me on like that. I raped her. She begged me to stop and it made me feel powerful that I could ignore her pleas. Lord Yates, I know I have brought great sorrow to your family, and shame to mine. I apologize for the harm I caused. I accept my sentence. I will willingly serve you and will do whatever I can to atone for the harm I caused your family.”

Almost immediately after I finished I could hear the townspeople gossiping about the ramifications of my confession. I knew there there politics involved in why Lord Yates wanted a public confession from me, likely because it was well known that my trial was a farce and no one believed I did it. But I don’t know all the details of all the ramifications and the fallout of the politics, so I ignored it.

I walked over to Serina. This was the first time I saw her since the trial. During my confession, she covered her mouth with her hand, hiding her expression and reaction. My feelings about her were confused. I was afraid of her. But I raped her. I raped her.

I said, “I’m sorry I put you through all this.” I don’t know why I felt like she should be the one apologizing to me? Gods, I was so fucked up.

Serina looked like she wanted to say something, but her father cut in instead. “Better late than never, I suppose. But I guess I can’t expect a rapist to know how to act with decency.”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

Robert escorted me back to the estate. I didn’t know what to expect. He promised no one would rape me for a month, but I didn’t know if a promise made to a rapist was one that deserved to be kept. Now that they got their public confession, they could do whatever they wanted to me without censor. Rape is an appropriate punishment for any rapist, especially one who publicly confessed. I deserved to be raped and used for the rest of my life.

Instead of bringing me to the slave quarters, he took me to his house.

“Take off your clothes.” I obeyed quickly.

“Are you innocent?”

“No. I raped her.” I raped her.

“How should you be treated?”

“I should be raped as punishment.” You promised not to. But I deserve it.

“Do you expect me to keep my promise?” I didn’t question whether this was a trick question or not. He would do whatever he wanted with me, regardless of how I responded.

“I don’t deserve to have promises made to me.”

“No, you don’t,” Robert agreed. “But I keep my promises.”

Robert held up a wooden dildo for me to see. “You are going to fuck yourself on this everyday until the month is up. You are nothing more than a tool for us to use from now on. You are going to be fucked every day for the rest of your miserable, raping life.”

He tossed the dildo at me. “Get started.”


	6. Chapter 6

I wasn’t expecting to see her again, never mind alone in the middle of the night.

“Jacen?” Serina stood at the doorway, holding a night candle.

“Please, go.” I begged. I was terrified of her. I slid off my bed, wrapped my blanked around me and huddled in the corner, curled protectively in a ball. I couldn’t deal with this. I hoped she would go away.

“Jacen, please. I just want to talk with you. I need to talk with you.” She set the night candle down on a side table on sat down on the floor next to me. Thankfully, she didn’t try to touch me.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think this would be how it turned out. I’m so sorry, Jacen. You didn’t deserve any of this.” 

I shook my head. I couldn’t listen to this. I raped her. I deserved this. She may be too nice to want to see me punished for what I did to her, but I deserved this. I raped her. I raped her.

There was a period of silence.

“I don’t understand why you did it.” 

I looked up. Ok, maybe I could understand that. Maybe she needed some closure in order to move on. It was the least I could do for her. I gathered what little courage I had. “I needed to feel powerful. I was weak. I needed to feel like a man after you rejected me.”

She looked confused. “No, I mean, why did you confess? You didn’t need to do that.”

“I raped you. I needed to stop lying about it. I needed to confess.”

A moment of silence as she processed that, then Serina looked like she came to a conclusion. Serina’s eyes looked at me with guilt. “Jacen, you didn’t rape me. You didn’t do anything wrong. I messed up. I screwed everything up.”

I shook my head. No, no, no. I raped her. I raped her.

She looked away from me. “I was engaged to Lord Winters. I heard rumors. He isn’t a good person. I couldn’t stand the thought of marrying him. But nothing I said would convince my father to call off the engagement.”

Now she looked at me, as if pleading with me to understand. “You were so sweet and kind. I looked forward to seeing you, making you blush. I wished you would ask me out. But I knew you were too shy. You turned so red when I gave you that kiss. But I hoped you liked me.” No, that’s not what happened. I did ask her out. She said no. I raped her.

She wasn’t looking at me anymore, but playing with the hem of her dress. 

“I heard that Marcy was forced to marry the man who raped her. So I thought if I said you raped me, then I wouldn’t have to marry Lord Winters and I would have to marry you instead. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me and I liked you. I know it was wrong to try to trap you into a marriage like that, but I hoped you would forgive me. I thought we might we happy together. And I hoped that maybe you could one day…”

Serina started crying softly.

“It went so wrong. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. The trial, your sentence, any of it. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”

Serina reached a hand out towards me, but I flinched away.

A period of silence stretched.

Finally, “Jacen, is it true? Did my father… Did they…” Serina didn’t finish but I knew what she was trying to ask. It wasn’t a secret. Rapists get raped.

“I raped you. I deserve it.”

She looked horrified. “No, Jacen. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll tell them. I’ll get them to stop. This isn’t right. None of this is right.”

“I like it,” I lied. I didn’t want her to do anything in some misguided attempted to help me. I deserved it. I raped her.

Serina looked flustered and upset. She didn’t look entirely convinced and started to say something in response, so I continued, “I like cocks. I like having a big cock up my ass.”

That shut her up fast.

“Jacen, I’m so sorry.” She then fled my room and left me alone in the dark.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, and especially for those leaving kudos and comments. I haven't written much fiction, so it's very encouraging!
> 
> FYI - I had add a note to the beginning with an explanation of the fictional rape laws used in this fictional story.

My month-long reprieve was over. I was going to be fucked today. I reminded myself that I deserved this. This was my life now.

Robert was relentless over the past month. Even though no one else was allowed to touch me, it was very clear that my purpose there was to be used. Not only did he make me fuck myself using dildos, but also my fingers, plugs, vegetables, and other common household items. But I learned how to accept anal penetration so it didn’t always hurt. He made me practice using my mouth until I no longer gagged when items were shoved deep down my throat. I was no longer embarrassed at exposing my body to others. I was put on public display for the other slaves for their amusement and ridicule throughout the month. A lot of my anal training was done in public with the promise that very soon the other slaves would be able to put me to use. I learned that my body was not mine.

Robert was waiting for me, and gestured to the center of the room. “Kneel.”

I obeyed without hesitation. 

He sat in a chair opposite of me. “Jacen, I want you to be honest with me. I don’t want you to lie to me. Don’t give me answers you think I want to hear. I promise I will not punish you for any of the answers you give to my questions here.”

But what if you think I am lying when I am not?

“Do you understand?” I have no choice here. 

I nodded.

“Say it out loud.”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Do you agree to answer truthfully and thoughtfully?”

“Yes.” I was anxious. I didn’t know what he wanted, but I didn’t like this.

“Good. Then I promise that I will not punish you for your answers. And I keep my promises.” Robert looked intently at me. I hoped that was true even if he didn’t like my answers or didn’t believe me. I would do anything to avoid going through the water torture again.

“Do you regret getting arrested?”

I thought about it. The pain I have endured, the shame my family must be suffering. “Yes.”

“Why did you lie about the rape?”

“Because I was scared.” I wasn’t sure anymore which part was the lie, but I know I am scared.

“If Serina was right here right now, what would you say to her?”

I thought back to Serina’s nighttime visit. I was so scared. Was there anything else I would want to say to her? “You deserve to be happy. I hope you find happiness. Don’t feel bad for me. I deserve this.”

Robert leaned forward. “I want you to describe how you felt the first time I fucked you.”

My eyes widened. What? I shook my head. I can’t do that. No, no, no.

“Did it hurt?”

Tears started to leak from my eyes involuntarily.

“How did you feel when I didn’t stop after you begged me to stop?”

I leaned forward and started rocking myself slowly.

“You’re not answering. Did you forget already?”

I shook my head.

“Describe how you felt at that time.”

I was sobbing and rocking back and forth. “It hurt,” I managed to say. I still hurt. I hurt every day.

“I want to know what you were feeling at that time. What were your emotions?” Robert pressed. I didn’t know why he was torturing me like this.

I shook my head again. I couldn’t do this. How was I supposed to tell my rapist how he made me feel while he was raping me, before he raped me again? This was fucked up.

“I promise there are no right or wrong answers. Tell me how you felt.”

“Why?” 

Robert was calm. “My reasons why are not important. Tell me. Or do I need to get Chris and some water to be more persuasive?”

The threat was enough. “No!” I panicked. “I’ll behave. I’ll tell you. Please, please.” I struggled to get a full breath of air. When I felt more calm, I started to answer, “I felt…” I struggled to articulate the memory into words.

“I felt like I didn’t deserve it.” 

He leaned back into his chair. I could tell he wasn’t expecting that answer. “Why not?”

I remembered screaming “I didn’t rape her” and telling him it was my first time with anyone. I remember feeling that it was unfair because I was innocent. I lost my virginity to this man that day. But I raped her, didn’t I? So I must of had sex at least once before, with her, right? I wasn’t innocent. I raped her. I deserved it. So why did I feel like I didn’t deserve it? I was confused. My feelings didn’t make sense.

“I don’t know.”

“Look back at it today, do you feel the same way about it now?”

I titled my head, trying to see if my confusion cleared any in light of that question.

“I don’t know.”

I looked at him, trying to discern the purpose of his questions. I had no idea why he made such a point about getting truthful and thoughtful responses to these questions.

He contemplated me for a while, evaluating the honesty of my responses I suppose. Coming to some conclusion, he stood up and ordered, “Get on the bed and prepare yourself.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this story stuck in my head and it is just pouring out right now. I have about 2 more chapters already written after this one, so we'll see how far I get before I get writer's block or run out of free time. I suppose I try to keep to a regular posting schedule instead of just posting the finished chapters as soon as I finish writing it, but I get impatient. So, check back frequently, and leave comments if you please. Even though I'm writing mostly for me, I get a thrill each time I see that someone else is reading. Enjoy!

When he was done fucking me, Robert said, “Tonight, you’ll spend the night in the slave quarters. Any night where I don’t claim you, that is where you go. Understood?”

I nodded.

When I entered the slave quarters, it was quiet. I slipped into my usual bed and tried to go sleep as normal. It wasn’t long when I felt someone else in the room with me. I woke to see a few slaves standing over me.

“No more privileges for you. You have to earn a bed here.”

It was like the “welcome party” all over again, and it was just as painful. They manhandled me with my ass in the air and my face shoved to the ground. I was fucked roughly by a few men before they fisted my head up by my hair and a dick was shoved down my throat as I was fucked from behind. It was painful. None of the training during the past month could have prepared for a night of abusive use like this. They used me with absolutely no regard for anything but their own amusement.

By morning, I was exhausted but I had to work. I pulled on my pants and just tried to get through the day. I was sluggish throughout the day, earning myself some lashes for my slowness.

Robert didn’t claim me the next night either. I was disappointed. At least with Robert I only had to deal with him, and he was more controlled in using me. I had the fleeting thought that maybe I disappointed him or I failed to please him, and that was why he left me to the other slaves to abuse.

I wasn’t so cooperative with the slaves the second night and tried to resist because I was afraid of further pain. They were too many and too rough. I couldn’t keep calm knowing how painful the night would be, especially when I was still bleeding and bruised from the night before. They were more sadistic when I resisted. When I was finally limp and passive, they transitioned from actively trying to hurt me to just using me. 

By the fourth night, I stopped resisting completely, even knowing I would be hurt because I knew it would be worse if I resisted. That night and every night since, I repeated to myself: This is my life now. I deserve it. Accept it. 

Robert didn’t claim me again for a month. 

When Robert approached me at the end of the day, I was confused. I didn’t realize that he was claiming me for the night until he ordered me to follow him back to the house. 

Once inside, he ordered me to strip. “You are not allowed to wear any clothing in here, understood?”

“Yes, sir.” I removed my pants and waiting for his next orders.

“On the bed, over the side.” 

He swatted me a few times and pulled my hips back before holding me down by my waist. He entered me with no preparation or oil. I grunted, but otherwise stayed quiet. I had been fucked dry so many times now that I was used to the pain.

He settled into a steady rhythm, fucking me hard. He didn’t finish inside me. Instead, he withdrew from me still hard and yanked me to the floor. “Finish me.” Unlike the first time, I didn’t object. I took him in my mouth and swallowed. I sucked until he finished, letting him pull out to cum on my face. 

“You really do look good with my cum on you.” 

I sat there until he dismissed me so I could clean myself off. 

When I returned to the bed, Robert pulled me tight to his body and twined his legs with mine. His hands started molesting my body and gently twisting my nipples. He tiled my head up and claimed my mouth in a dominating kiss. He forced my mouth open for his tongue and moved one of my legs over his hip so I was completely open for him. His hands moved down to between my thighs, caressing the insides and sliding back towards my ass like he was claiming every inch of my body. I was careful to keep my hands by my side and not push him away, letting him do whatever he wanted with my body.

To my surprise, he paused his touching only to remove my chastity cage. It was odd, having my penis free after all this time. It was a relief. I couldn’t stop my groan and the visible display of pleasure at having my cage removed. Robert started touching me. I was uncomfortable with the intimacy and shifted a little with unease. No one had ever touched me there like that before. I didn’t like this. He didn’t let me squirm away, instead shifting my hips closer to his.

He resumed claiming my mouth as his hands played with my flaccid penis. He massaged my tip and milked me from root to tip. He moved so that both our organs were lined up together and stroked us together. He was consuming me.

I didn’t get hard, to my great relief. I also didn’t want to admit that it felt good to have my penis touched by him.

Eventually, he ended the kiss and the touching. He released me and let me shift away slightly so I wasn’t pressed so closely to his body. He then moved like he was going to put the chastity cage back on. I whispered, “Please? Can you wait till the morning at least?”

He gave me a sad smile, shook his head, and put the chastity cage back on. It was more painful having it back on after the relief of having it off. 

Once my cage was locked again, Robert tucked my head into his shoulder and settled to go to sleep. It was hard falling asleep, with his body entwined with mine like we were lovers. My skin felt overly sensitive after that session, and I wanted to take a bath. I wanted space to decompress. But I didn’t have those options.

I reminded myself: This is my life now. I deserve it. Accept it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this intending it to be Chapter 11, but I think this chapter works better timing-wise as Chapter 9 because of the events that happen after the nightmare. I suppose I could just cut it altogether, but I liked it too much. So the nightmare will be Chapter 10 instead now. So sorry for rearranging the chapters slightly!

Van was escorting the new girl he was courting towards the back side of the property where I was working. I tried to stay away from Van. He was always brutal, just shy of violent, when he fucked me. 

But the girl saw me before I managed to hide myself. Shit.

Caught, I straightened up but kept my eyes lowered. Hopefully, I can manage to escape without offending either of them.

“Oh, is this that branded criminal I heard about? The one that… you know… to Serina?” I hated her already. But I wasn’t sure if that was just bias against all women, or something personal about her.

Van glowered at me like I just fucked up his chances with the girl. “Yes, he’s perfectly safe now. Just about neutered.” Yes, I agreed. Just about neutered. But while I was still physically intact, I had no idea if I was still even capable get getting an erection anymore after being in the chastity cage for so long or if I would ever find sex arousing ever again.

“Oh, can I see?”

Van looked discomfited. “He’s not actually castrated. He has to wear a chastity cage that prevents him from attacking anyone else.”

She looked disappointed. “Oh, that’s no good. Do you think you can cut him? Then you don’t need to worry about him raping anyone again, or him taking off that ridiculous cage without permission.” What the fuck? Is she serious? I definitely hated her and it definitely wasn’t a bias against women.

“Sadly, I don’t have permission for that. Robert is pretty strict about what we can do to him.” Thank gods.

She stumped her foot. “Boo. I was at least hoping to hear him scream.”

Van brightened. “Melanie, I can make him scream for you.” Sure, he does it all the time when he fucks me.

This is going to hurt. I took a breath and reminded myself: This is my life now. I deserve it. Accept it. 

She had an evil smile. “Van, sweetie. Do you think that you could whip him? I missed seeing it when he was sentenced. I felt so bad after I heard what happened to Serina, and if I could just see for myself that her attacker is punished…” Her reasons sounded so contrived. Wasn’t it enough that I already was whipped badly enough that my entire back is scared? What the fuck is wrong with her?

Van was clearly willing to do anything to please her. “Yes, I can do that. I’ll just say that he tried to attack you, and I whipped him as punishment for that.” 

They obviously didn’t bring whips with them nor were they are just lying on the ground. I was wondering what they were planning to do when Melanie suggested, “Van, why don’t you make a fresh switch from the trees over there?” She pointed to a grove a good distance away on the other side of the property.

“Melanie, I’m not about to leave you here with a branded rapist, caged or otherwise.”

“Tie him up right there. I’ll be perfectly safe waiting for you right here.”

Van looked uncomfortable with this idea. Melanie batted her eyes and Van caved. “Sure. Let me make sure I tie him up real good.”

Van wasn’t very handy with a rope. He tried to bind me in a hog tie position, but the knots and rope were so loose I could easily free myself. When he was satisfied, he kiss Melanie on the check and ran off to cut a switch to beat me with, leaving me with the bitch from hell.

Melanie sat on the ground next to me, uncaring about getting her dress dirty. “You’re Amy’s big brother, huh?”

I was so surprised at the question that I jerked free of Van’s inept bondage. Melanie started laughing heartily. “Oh, Van. He’s so precious. He thinks he knows everything but he knows absolutely nothing. Don’t worry about the rope. Just sit here with me.”

I was wary of her like she was a viper about to strike, but I obeyed.

She stared at me, judging me. “Do you want to know how your family is?”

I held my breath. I tried not to think of Mama and Amy. It hurt too much. There was nothing I do but hope they were ok. Just hearing them mentioned hurt. Knowing anything about how they were doing whether good or bad would hurt. I didn’t know Melanie or how she knew my family or if she just was planning on using this as a way to hurt me. But I think I needed to hear whatever she had to say, even if it made me hurt more.

I nodded.

“Your mother is running the shop now. She lost a lot of customers after you confessed. But she’s hanging in there. Amy is so grown up now. She helps out at the shop some, and your mother takes good care of her. They are doing as well as can be expected.” 

I nodded, trying desperately not to cry. That’s good.

“There was some problems with vandalism at the shop right after your confession, but the Constable stopped that real quick. I don’t think they had any problems since. I think someone is helping them out. I’m not sure, but the shop was repaired real quick and I didn’t think your family had much in the way of savings, what with paying restitution and all. I heard that it was the mayor to spite Lord Yates, but that’s just the rumor. But regardless, it’s nice that someone is helping them get by.”

Mayor Jones was helping Mama with money? It’s a likely theory as any I suppose. Mayor Jones’ primary focus during his tenure so far was reforming the criminal law system. I know the town did not like my trial, and most people thought I was innocent, at least they did before I confessed. I know Mayor Jones and the Constable conspired with the doctor to keep me in the jail for the two months after my whipping to ensure that I would actually receive medical treatment, rather than entrusting me to Lord Yates’ aftercare. I wasn’t sure if his reform efforts would extend to helping my family out financially. And I had no idea how my confession changed things. I knew there were political reasons why Lord Yates wanted my confession, but that was the extent of my knowledge of it. I just hoped that my family would be ok.

I shrugged. Nothing I could do about it.

“Are there any messages you want me to give them?”

I thought about it for a minute. “Tell them… Tell Mama I’m keeping my promise. And I’m sorry and that I love them and hope they are ok.”

Melanie gave me a smile and said, “I’ll tell them that. Promise.”

After a short while, she stood up. “Well, now that I’m done with my excuse to talk to you in private, I should go get Van.”

I forgot about Van cutting a switch to whip me with all the talk about my family. Hearing news of my family was precious and worth every strike. “Thank you. I won’t hold the whipping against you.”

Melanie chuckled with glee. “Van’s going to be disappointed. I’m suddenly so very tired, and I’m afraid I must return home to rest. Van, will you please be a dear and escort me home?”

Cunning bitch.

I still hated her. Ok, maybe that was bias.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to readers looking for new updates and may be confused since they see a new chapter was added, but they already read this one. I rearranged chapters slightly. I added a new chapter 9, so the nightmare chapter is now chapter 10.

Nightmares weren’t new. I’ve had them frequently since my conviction and subsequent rapes. But I’ve never had a nightmare that felt so real or that I remembered in such detail. This nightmare haunted me.

Serina came into the shop. My heart fluttered in excitement. I felt warm and giddy to see her again.

I was standing near the back, arranging some new merchandise for display. I straightened up and greeted her formally with a mock bow. “Good day, Miss Yates. I hope you are having a wonderful day.” I smiled happily at her.

She came over to me, obviously excited and happy to see me. “Hi, Jacen. I just saw the cutest puppy on the way over here. He had the funniest ears!” She held her hands up over her head, imitating one floppy ear and one perky ear. I laughed with her.

“Girls and baby animals, I swear.” I said in mock disgust. She laughed and playfully punched me.

“Stop it. If he didn’t already belong to this little boy, I would have taken him home.” Her hands were animated as she spoke. She was the cutest girl I’ve ever met. I was crushing pretty hard.

“Serina, I’m disappointed in you!” I placed my hand over my heart in mock disbelief. “Stealing puppies? Now, maybe if it was something like a bear. That would be worth stealing.” 

“A bear?” I could hear the amused skepticism in her voice.

“Yes!” I loved chatting with her. “Nothing says ‘I am brave’ like stealing a bear.”

Her eyes glittered with merriment. “Why would you need to be brave?” she asked coyly.

I blushed. “Maybe *you* need to be brave. You’re the one stealing the bear.” I tried to deflect.

Serina pursed her lips as she contemplated her next move. “Maybe you’re right.”

I wasn’t expecting it. She stepped in close and kissed me. It was a chaste and soft, and a little hesitant. She looked at me to see how I would react. 

I could feel my cheeks burning as they turned crimson red. I have no idea what excuse I made or whether I even bothered to make one. I fled from the floor area of the store to the back room to hide.

She kissed me. Serina just kissed me. Wow. My first kiss was from sweet Serina. I touched my lips in amazement.

Then Serina was suddenly in the back room with me.

“Jacen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

I turned around to face her. I was furious with her for violating me like that. “Didn’t you?”

“No, Jacen. I like you. You are so sweet and kind.” She’s disgusting. How could she do this to me? She is a fucking bitch that needed to be shown what it means to be fucked and used. Like I was used.

I grabbed her by her arms and forcibly swung her around so I could slam her against the office desk. “Did you like raping me? I’m going to rape you like you raped me.”

Serina looked confused. “Jacen, I didn’t rape you. I swear I didn’t. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was just a kiss.”

I wasn’t listening. I was going to rape her regardless of what she said, there was nothing she could say that would convince me not to hurt her. She deserved it. 

“Are you going to scream? Cry?” I lifted up her skirt and exposed her. “You deserve this. You raped me. This is all your fault. You kissed me.”

I started undoing my pants.

She cried prettily and begged, “Please don’t do this. I’ve never been with anyone before. Please don’t let my first time be like this.” Her begging made me feel powerful, like I finally had control over my life.

“You deserve this. You raped me.” I started to cry too. “I’m going to rape you every day until you regret what you did to me. So you know what it feels like to be used.”

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Jacen, please believe me. I swear I didn’t do it.” Serina was limp under me. She deserved to be raped.

“You raped me.” I reaffirmed.

“Jacen, it’s not rape if you like it.” Serina replied.

I cried as I raped her. “Am I good enough for you now?”

I raped her until I broke her. “Do you still want to marry me?” I asked over her broken and raped body. “Did you like it?”

It was such a nightmarish blend of memory and horror that I had trouble telling apart which part was which.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter, revising it even as I continued writing the next chapters. It's funny how the smallest changes could affect how the story flows and changes the dynamics. I think I got it where it needs to be?

The nightmare from a few days ago still troubled me and I couldn’t sleep because I keep thinking about it. Unfortunately, I was tossing and turning so much that I was also disturbing Robert. “Sleeping in my bed is a privilege, you know.”

“I’m sorry.”

I tried to settle down and keep still. I tried to think of another topic to distract myself with but I couldn’t think of any safe topics. My life was simple: getting fucked and manual labor between getting fucked. 

Robert shifted, and I could feel his leg slide up against mine. I cringed, trying to curl into a ball. The fear of being touched persisted every time I smelled his sheets, heard him breathing next to me, felt the warmth of his body radiating like it would attack me, noticed the absence of clothes. Nothing was helping. My entire world was filled with reminders of my fear.

“Damnit, Jacen. Go to sleep.”

I mumbled another “Sorry” and this time I couldn’t stop the tears from soaking the pillow. I turned my head into it, hoping to muffle the sound and hoping Robert wouldn’t hear. If he did, he ignored it.

Eventually I fell an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

Robert woke with his usual morning erection. He started palming it, then when he saw I was awake, cuddled behind me. He reached over for the oil, shifted one of my legs up, and only stretched me perfunctorily before entering me from the side. It was a painless fuck, for which I was thankful. He didn’t demand my attention by forcing me to kiss him, to participate, or by thrusting hard. He just used me like normal.

But each thrust he made reminded me of my nightmare and why was it lingering and haunting me even while I was awake.

Once he finished, I had permission to leave the bed to clean myself. When I returned, I put on the pants I was allowed to wear while performing labor outside. Breakfast was ready on the table and I could see that there were persimmons on my plate, which Robert knew I enjoyed. These small gestures of kindness confused me. I was thankful that Robert was being nicer, but was still wary of what he expected in return. 

Robert gestured for me to take a seat. Even though he hasn’t demanded that suck him off before every meal for months now, I still hesitated before sitting down to eat. Breakfast was silent. I couldn’t focus on eating, even though I knew Robert had chosen food that he knew I liked.

“What’s been bothering you?”

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Clearly something has been bothering you for several days now.”

“It’s not important.”

“Jacen, important or not, whatever it is is clearly bothering you to the point it is now bothering me. I promise not to get mad at whatever you have to say.” I still wasn’t sure I could trust him when he made these sorts of promises, but I knew that he expected to get his way. Otherwise, he would threaten to drown me again.

“I’m sorry for bothering you last night. I promise it won't happen again.”

Robert just looked at me and waited for me to answer.

“Just had a bad dream. That’s all.”

“What was the dream?” Why couldn’t he leave this alone? Why all the questions? Why does he care?

I tried to explain, knowing that Robert would continue to press me until I did. “The dream started as a memory with me and Serina, but it changed. I keep thinking about why the dream changed the way it did. In my dream, I told Serina she raped me. I wanted revenge. But in the dream, when I hurt her, it just made me feel worse. Is that how you feel? Is that why you’ve been nicer to me?”

His scowl said everything. He left the house without another word.

I wasn’t sure how I expected him to react, but that wasn’t it. Now I was afraid I made him mad even though he promised he wouldn’t get mad. I needed him to not be mad at me.

Not knowing what else to do, I left the house and did my work. Instead of dwelling on my nightmare, now I was worried about Robert’s reaction. How mad was he? How do I get him to forgive me? Should I initiate sex to show him I’m sorry? Pretend to enjoy it next time? Is there anything I can do to calm him down and stop him from punishing me? 

By the time it was night, I was a bundle of stress and nerves. Then, when he didn’t come to get me for the night, my fear turned into a hard pit in my stomach.

I fucked up.

When it was clear he wasn’t claiming me, I knew I had to go to the slave quarters. It had been a few months since I had to sleep in the slave quarters because Robert had consistently claimed me every night. I knew the slaves liked abusing me because I was the only thing they had power over in their restricted lives. I was the representation for every free person who ever raped their women, abused them, ever wronged them. Understanding that didn't make it any easier for me to deal with their abuse. When the other slave men saw me arrive, it was like they just got unexpected new toy to play with all night long. And played with me they did, and hard, all night long. The next morning, I was hurting all over and exhausted. 

After a couple of slow hours, I was surprised to see Robert walking towards me. I rushed to beg forgiveness. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean it. I’ll do whatever you want to make it up to you.” I fell to my knees at his feet.

Robert stepped back. “I’m not mad at you. I’m glad you shared your thoughts with me when I asked you to. But I think you would be better off with some distance from me. So I’m going to stay away. Leave you alone.”

I was terrified. If Robert was leaving me alone, then I was fair game for everyone else all the time.

“No, I don’t need space. I like it when you fuck me. I can be better. I’ll try harder. Please don’t leave me.” I was babbling, saying anything I could think of to convince him to not leave me.

“Goodbye, Jacen.”

I never thought I would cry at my rapist leaving me alone, but I was.


	12. Chapter 12

Robert kept true to his word and left me alone.

On balance, Robert leaving me wasn’t as bad as I had feared.

Oddly enough, after a couple of days, the slaves stopped treating me as a scapegoat for every injustice done against them or abused me as systematically as they did. I don’t know what changed or why. The hushed silence that they greeted me with led me to believe it wasn’t necessarily their choice to stop. But I was simply grateful that they did.

I wouldn’t have thought that my days would change without Robert since I didn’t see him much during the days before, but they did. The other workers and staff increased the hazing and bullying. It was like they refrained from abusing me because they figured Robert favored me or at least my ass in his bed, but once he made it clear won’t touch me, they felt feel to let their feelings be known more overtly. 

What was the worst was I missed him. How fucked up was that? I missed my rapist. I don’t even know what was it about him I missed. The rapes? The scraps of kindness he threw my way? I find myself searching for him, to catch a glimpse of him. But I never saw him.

I felt like I was teetering on the knife-edge of sanity, but I managed to get through each day. I kept my promise to Mama.

This morning, I woke up to a boy telling me “Lord Yates wants to see you” before running back out again.

Fuck.

Since starting my service, I never saw Lord Yates outside of time I saw him during my confession. He stayed primarily in the mansion and I was never allowed inside. I don’t know why he would be summoning me now. Nothing changed. I didn’t do anything to warrant his attention. 

I then realized that the summons didn’t tell me where I should go. And no one I asked had any idea. I went to Robert’s house, but he wasn’t home. I tried asking Gary who gives me my work assignments, and he just shrugged and said “No one said anything to me about it.”

I didn’t want ignore the summons, and not knowing where else to go, I went to the mansion. I approached timidly, and politely asked the first servant I saw about where I should go since I received a summons but none of the house servants servants wanted to talk to me.

“Where’s Robert? I thought he was in charge of him? Why isn’t he handling this?” I heard one whisper.

“Robert’s in the city. Go handle him before we get in trouble.”

The first servant scurried past me with a quick “this way,” expecting me to follow. I followed her, hoping she knew where I was supposed to go because I had no idea. She opened the door to a room, gestured for me to enter and quickly closed it after me.

Lord Yates was already inside, talking with a man who I didn’t immediately recognize since he had his back to me. They stopped talking mid-conversation as soon as I entered and I had a bad feeling that I interrupted a business meeting. Shit. 

Lord Yates always had a sour expression, but he looked positively murderous when he saw me. 

I wasn’t sure if I should apologize, but I wasn’t supposed to speak without permission. While Robert was lax with that rule, I had a feeling Lord Yates would not be. It was a moot point, because Lord Yates thundered, “What the hell are you doing here, inside my house? Where my wife and children are? Get the hell out of my house!”

I fled the room in terror. 

I was positively panicking. Oh God, I’m going to die. He’s going to kill me. What do I do now? Was Robert really gone? 

Not knowing where else to go, I went to Robert’s house to double-check. He wasn’t home. Shit. I decided to settle to wait near the outdoor storage building since it had a clear view of the mansion and most of the paths on the estate.

Some time later I saw a man walk down the path from the house. I soon recognized him as Chris, and I belatedly realized, the same person Lord Yates was meeting with. Shit. Chris was the one who orchestrated the water torture with Robert to get me to confess. Robert just wanted me to confess; Chris was the one who suggested and directed the water torture.

Chris headed directly for me and I just knew I was going to drown today. I wanted to run, but there would be no where to run to. I had no good options. I was fucked.

“Good, you’re already where I wanted you to be.” 

I slowly backed away in fear. “No, no. Stay right there. You’re a good boy, right?”

I was broken, and everyone knew it. I stayed still.

“You’re more trouble than you’re worth, you know that? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re trying to ruin Lord Yates’ reputation.” Chris tsked.

What? I had no idea what he was even referring to. “I haven’t done anything.”

“You really do have a hard time confessing without help.” 

He didn’t need to actually simulate drowning me again to get me to confess. I’ll do it now. “I will confess to anything you want. Just tell me what I did. I’ll do whatever you ask.”

Chris smiled sardonically. “That’s ok. I don’t need you to confess to anything. By the time I’m done with you, you won’t be a problem anymore.”

Whatever little pieces that remained of me died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. Remember that warning about Major Character Death and no happy ending? OK, I'm just teasing now... 
> 
> I love happy endings as much as any reader and I get really pissed when I don't get my happy endings. Especially for characters who's gone through such fucked up shit like Jacen. I'll read a rapefic just to have the story end with a rescue or the victim "falling in love" with the abuser and calling that a "happy ending," which leaves me feeling like WTF? 
> 
> But seeing down the path of this story, is a "happy ending" possible? Not likely, which is why I wanted to warn everyone ahead of time. As for the Major Character Death warning, it would be a little hard to kill Jacen off since I'm telling the story from his POV. Unless I start narrating from beyond the grave... Hey, that might work, hmm...
> 
> So, no, this is not the end. I'm not done playing yet :)


	13. Interlude - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a tiny glimpse of what is going on behind the scenes... To give context on what Chris meant by "trying to ruin Lord Yates' reputation."

“Your honor, thank you for hearing this appeal,” Barrister Quincy said.

The courtroom was empty, except for Barrister Quincy, Lord Yates, Serina, and the judge.

“Where is the defendant?” the judge asked.

“He wasn’t informed of today’s proceedings, your honor,” the barrister said. “We believed it in his best interests not to get his hopes up.”

“Barrister Quincy, how were you retained in this case?”

“I’m not sure I follow the question, your honor.”

“You are obviously being paid. I understand that the defendant is currently serving as an indentured servant to Lord Yates and therefore has no income with which to pay you. Who is paying for your services?”

“I’m sorry, your honor, but that information is privileged.”

“Very well. State your case for the appeal.”

Barrister Quincy began is argument on the appeal for the overturn of Jacen's rape conviction. “Thank you, your honor. The defendant Jacen wasn’t accorded a fair trial. No offense your honor, but he should have been tried by a jury and not solely by your honor. Crimes that are serious enough to brand, like capital cases, should be tried by a jury so a panel can determine his guilt or innocence. Second, he should have been allowed to introduce witnesses and evidence supporting his defense. I understand your honor’s concerns in protecting the victim from emotional distress. But the appropriate remedy should have been to allow the evidence, and allow the victim to remove herself from the courtroom if she becomes overly distraught.”

The judge turned to Lord Yates. “I’m sure you have a response.”

Lord Yates replied, “Yes, your honor. I think it’s a sad state of affairs that my family has to go through this all over again. We just want justice for what was done to our daughter, our sweet daughter. She used to laugh, volunteer to our community events, she was being courted by Lord Winters, she had a bright future ahead of her. After what he did to her, she’s not the same person. She stays home in her room crying. She doesn't socialize. She doesn’t laugh. She has no marriage prospects. He ruined my daughter. And now he wants to be set free? Your honor, he doesn’t deserve freedom. We need justice. Justice demands that he complete his service. Please, let’s be done with this nonsense.”

The judge said, “I am inclined to deny the appeal. While a trial by jury may be best, the law doesn’t require it in non-capital cases. Regarding the arguments regarding evidence sought to be introduced by the defendant, the defendant hasn’t actually stated what evidence he could have produced at the trial that was denied that would have proven him innocent. While this case is of a serious nature, I would be inclined to grant the appeal if there was some evidence indicating the defendant’s innocence. In this case, no reasonable jury could have found him innocent of the charges brought against him. Since a trial by jury would be fruitless, appeal will be denied.”

The barrister then looked at Serina with a slight smile. “Your honor, I also informed and believe that a key witness in this case committed perjury while testifying. That the defendant did not actually commit the crime that he was accused of and is in fact, innocent.”

Lord Yates jumped up. “That is not true! I most certainly did not lie on the stand. The fact that the defendant is trying to smear my reputation is proof that this is just a ploy of a desperate man who knows he is guilty. I am most offended at the implication. Please, dismiss this appeal.”

The barrister again looked at Serina. “The witness that lied on the stand is not Lord Yates, your honor. It was Miss Serina Yates.”

The judge looked at Serina sternly like a teacher to a child. “Is this true? Did you lie during your testimony at the trial?”

“Serina, don’t answer!” Lord Yates instructed. “Your honor, she has been traumatized over this entire process. She is a kind soul who hates to see anyone suffering, even if it is well deserved. Don’t put her through this. It’s bad enough she was forced to be here today.” 

Serina started to say “Yes, I did” before she was cut off by the judge.

“Actually, it doesn’t matter whether Serina Yates did not state the complete truth on the stand during the trial. As I recall, the defendant confessed in this case.”

Lord Yates agreed, “Yes, openly and very publicly. His apology was lacking, but he expressly admitted to raping my daughter which is the crime he was convicted for.”

The judge then ruled, “Appeal is denied.”

Barrister Quincy tried one last time to argue. “Your honor, wait. Please. The confession came two months after the trial. The trial and conviction was not based on the confession, and should not be the basis for denying the appeal. The confession was coerced. At the time the confession was given, the defendant already started his service with Lord Yates. As I’m sure your honor can appreciate, such confessions are likely to be forced using threats of bodily harm and torture. In fact, the defendant is serving as a sex slave on Lord Yates’ estate, and is beaten and abused on a daily basis. I’m sure that under these circumstances, the confession is meaningless since it was not voluntary.”

Lord Yates turned red from anger. “Your honor. This is outrageous! All lies. These are all lies.” Before Lord Yates could continue further, he was cut off.

The judge repeated, “Appeal is denied. I am not about to let a convicted rapist free when he confessed to the crime, regardless of when the confession was made. As it stands, there is no exonerating evidence. A new trial by a jury is fruitless. Appeal is denied.”

Barrister Quincy tried one more time, “But your honor, we have evidence that Serina-”

“Appeal is denied. No further argument.” The judge left the bench.


	14. Chapter 14

Somewhere between one breath and the next time my head was forced underwater again, I died. At least I think I died. I’m not sure. Nothing feels right. I know this is wrong. This is not what it feels like to be alive. Am I dead? Did I die and now my ghost is haunting this world?

I feel like there’s a veil covering my eyes, shielding me from the world. I can see my body but I am not attached to it. Nothing makes sense. On the one hand, I am aware of what is happening to my body. I can feel Chris withdrawing his cock from inside my ass before lifting my head from the water trough. But I don’t feel any emotions or reactions to what is happening to my body. I’m not relieved that the rape has stopped. I’m not scared. I don’t feel any emotions. If I was alive, I would have feelings, wouldn’t I? I should have feelings. Shouldn’t I at least be scared? I’m not though. Everything is numb. 

I’m not certain that my body is even breathing. I try to move, but there’s a force preventing my body from responding. This body doesn’t feel like it belongs to me anymore. Am I a ghost stuck inside a dead body? Do I have to die in this ghost world to get back to the real world or can I go to heaven now?

I was dead even if my body was still breathing.

Chris arranged my limp body to sit upright in a chair with my legs spread wide. Each time he moved a limb, I could feel my body resisting the movement, but then slowly allowed itself to be molded into the new position like wax. Once positioned, my body held the new position without regard to pain or comfort.

“I want you to keep your legs open like that.” I floated, hearing the words but not really processing them. The words had no meaning to me.

Chris played with my chastity cage, then removed a key from his pocket and unlocked it. He must have gotten the key from Lord Yates during the meeting earlier. I felt him pull on my penis, like he was evaluating it.

He held up a sharp knife in front of my face for me to see. My eyes could still track the movement and focus on seeing the knife, but I couldn’t process what I was seeing meaningfully. Chris then told me, “You would make a good whore. You already know how spread your legs. We just need to make some modifications.”

I had no response. I wasn’t afraid. I couldn’t process what he intended to do to me with the knife.

I felt him wrap his hand the shaft of my penis, pulling on it to make enough to hurt, then a sharp pain like he cut me. He continued to continued to cut me and I knew it was hurting, but I didn't react. And throughout it all, my legs stayed open for him to do what he wanted without any resistance.

Chris patted my cheek. “You’re perfect now.” 

Then he left me like that. Sitting on the chair naked with my legs spread open with blood dripping down my thighs. I don’t know how long I stayed like that. I didn’t really notice the passing of time.

I don’t know how I got from the outdoor storage area back to the slave quarters for the night. I think Gary saw me lying facedown on the ground and ordered some slaves to help me inside. My memory of events was fuzzy since I was disconnected from everything.

I lost any desire to communicate. I didn’t use any words, sounds, or even body language to try to convey meaning. Chris created the perfect fuck doll. I obeyed orders automatically without thought or concern for my well-being. I became completely passive. My body existed and survived, but I was gone. I had no identity, no pride or sense of self.

Unless given a specific order, I didn’t participate in the world. I think Clare made it a point to clean me up when she could and to make sure I ate something each day, but unless I was ordered to eat, I didn’t. I lost weight and my body showed the lack of care shown to it. I didn’t care. I was dead inside and I was just waiting for my body to join the rest of me.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm writing this story, I keep thinking of this meme I saw:  
> Me: *snatches characters away from author*  
> Author: I -  
> Me: *wraps them in warm blankets*  
> Author: what-  
> Me: *places them out of authors reach*  
> Author: But-  
> Me: you can have these back when you learn to play nicely
> 
> Poor Jacen, I don't play nice :)

“Suck me.”

I didn’t know who was giving the order. By the looks of him, it was a new ranch hand. I knew that new workers like to test the boundaries with me, see if I would really let them do whatever they wanted with me without protest. It didn’t matter. They had conditioned me well. My body mechanically obeyed. The pain in my ass flared at the movement, but my body still moved into position.

He stepped closer, and took out his cock. Without further instruction, I took him in my mouth. He was sweaty and it was clear that he needed a bath badly, but I didn’t protest at the rank smell. My body knew how to be good cocksucker regardless of smell or taste. My body moaned audibly to increase his pleasure and swallowed him to the root to increase the suction against his cock. My body has learned how to worship cock, whether with my mouth or in my ass. I didn’t need to think. My body would act automatically to protect itself, including following orders and worshipping cock.

He quickly came down my throat and I swallowed his cum without spilling. He tucked himself back inside his pants, patted me on the cheek like a good pet, and continued on his way. It didn’t bother me. I was still numb.

When it was clear that he was done with me, my body didn’t know what to do next without further orders. I stared off into the distance, not really seeing or thinking. 

Time passed.

“Jacen?”

It had been a while since I heard my name. I was always called a “cockslut” or “bitch” or “cum bucket” or some other derogatory name. The only person who called me by my name was Robert. Obediently, I looked at Robert to see what orders he would have for me.

I’m not sure but something flickered to life inside me upon seeing him.

He reached over, and his hands reached out to touch me but then he stopped. “Jacen? I I know I said I would leave you alone, but you look… Are you hurt?” This time his hand touched my forearm. I just stared at him blankly.

Robert looked discomfited by my lack of response. “Would you come with me to my place? I just want to talk.”

When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “Please come.”

My body recognized it as an order, and followed him back to his house. If Robert was annoyed by my slow pace, he didn’t show it.

Once inside his house, I started to remove my clothes according to the previous standing orders but Robert stopped me and instead gestured to the bed, “Please sit.”

I sat.

Robert paced a little bit before stopping in front of me. My eyes tracked his movement but I otherwise stayed still.

“Jacen, are they withholding food from you? You’ve lost so much weight.” His tone was kind, and hesitant which was unlike him. He waited a minute for me to respond. I had no words. The thoughts never even formed, never mind make it past my lips.

I didn’t know and didn’t care to know what my body looked like. It was still breathing, that was all I needed to know about it.

Robert looked at before speaking again. “I know you had it especially rough with the slaves. Before I left for the city, I told everyone to take it easy on you. I was told that the slaves stopped abusing you. Is that not the case?”

Again, I had no reaction.

“Jacen, say something.”

Robert didn’t know what to do with my lack of reaction. He stared at me for a long time. He must have come to some conclusion.

“Jacen, can you stay here for the rest of the day?” He searched my face for some indication of agreement or protest. When I gave no response, he said. “Just stay here, okay?”

With that, he left his house.

I stayed.

Time passed.

When Robert returned, I was in the same exact position sitting on his bed. Only, I had soiled myself during his absence. 

Upon entering, he asked, “Jacen, did you…” The smell was apparent.

He left briefly to start a bath in the bathing chamber then came over to me. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Robert help me stripped me of my pants and the makeshift diaper Clare made me wear. He led me to the tub and washed me. His hands didn’t linger much over my body, except over the new scars on my groin and thighs. He didn’t say anything about them though. 

When he was done washing my body, he quickly dried me then instructed me to lay face down on the bed. My body automatically complied, ready to be fucked once again by the man that was the first to rape me. But instead of fucking me, he simply applied a healing balm to my anus and to the other open scrapes on my body. His hands skimmed over my body briefly as he examined my body more thoroughly. Then he ordered me to flip to my front. He applied the healing balm to my open sores. Again, Robert lingered over the new scars over my groin and thighs. This time though, he looked up at me and asked, “Won’t you tell me what happened? I promise I won’t hurt you.”

But during his examination of my body, my eyes stared straight ahead to the ceiling. I didn’t acknowledge his question. 

Robert sighed. He helped me up and gave me another makeshift diaper and pants to wear. Once I was dressed again, he led me to the sitting table and ordered me to eat dinner. When I paused mid-way through the meal, Robert ordered me to finish it, saying “You need to eat, Jacen. You lost too much weight.” 

Then, when dinner was finished he ordered me to bed. He didn’t order me to have sex with him and he didn’t touch me at all during the night. It was surreal to be clothed in his bed and without him raping me. I wondered if this was a dream. It was too good to be real.

As I was drifting to sleep I thought I heard him whisper, “I’m sorry, Jacen.” But it was so soft that I might have been mistaken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - I likely won't be able to update as frequently in the future, as I catch up on other things. But I look forward to your comments and theories, which does inspire me to keep with this :) Hopefully I can finish the next chapter soon.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so I'm procrastinating and worked on this rather than other stuff I'm supposed to be doing...

Robert’s house became my sanctuary and haven. I don’t know how long I stay at Robert’s house before I became aware of time again. I know it was days, maybe weeks or even months. 

I had no duties except to eat and to take care of myself. I was told to stay inside where I would be safe. I was allowed to recover and rest, without fear or stress of being fucked or abused. Robert made it clear he wasn’t going to use me either. Robert repeatedly told me that “You’re safe here. You’ll get better.” When I soiled myself, he would clean me up without admonishment and say “It’s okay. Jacen, no need to be embarrassed. Let’s clean you up” even if I showed no reaction to sitting in my own filth for hours. If Robert was frustrated at my lack of communication or the constant need to attend to my physical needs or having clean up after me, he didn’t show it. He simply did it.

Protected from other people, I slowly began to become aware of myself and my surroundings again. I started taking small steps, like acknowledging my bodily functions. I would use the toilet when needed instead of soiling myself. I would get dressed without being ordered to or get a blanket when I was cold. Or eat and drink water without being ordered to.

Then the veil slowly started being lifted from my emotions. I still wasn’t sure if this was real. This didn’t feel real. I didn’t understand why Robert would be so patient or tend to my care and attendance like I was precious loved one getting through a long convalescence. I was a just a fuck doll. Why did he care? I didn’t have the words to question Robert’s motives. While Robert talked at me about a lot of stuff to fill the silence, it was mostly small talk and it was nothing that would explain his change of heart.

As I became more aware of myself, the first change in my routine was bathing. I refused to bathe. I was afraid of the tub. When I was detached from my body, it didn’t bother me. But as I began to feel safe to have emotions again, I didn’t want anything to do with tubs or water. My refusal to bathe surprised Robert. One night, I was okay with the tub and him bathing me. The next day, I refused to cooperate and actively resisted his efforts to get me into the tub. Robert didn’t try to overpower me when I pulled back, or simply lift me into the bathtub when it was clear I was not going to cooperate.

“Jacen, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t answer him. The words remained locked frozen in my throat. I couldn’t even shake my head “no.” I just wasn’t automatically obeying anymore and pulled away from him to get away from the tub. I remember drowning and the fear of drowning.

“Ok, no bath tonight. Is that what you want?” I couldn’t answer that. I just knew I couldn’t stand the tub or standing water. I would drown. I would be fucked in it and drown. 

After a couple of days dealing with my refusal to bathe, Robert finally gave up trying to bathe me in the tub again. Instead, he compromised and gave me a sponge bath. During the sponge bath, I was incredibly grateful that he didn’t push me past my limits and for caring for me so gently. 

When Robert brushed over my groin area with the sponge, I had a brief thought that I still didn’t know how damaged I was after Chris “modified” me.

Several days later in afternoon when Robert was out working, I felt brave enough to look at my body. I stripped off my clothes. When Chris cut me, I wasn’t aware of what he was doing exactly other than cutting me. I remembered his comments about making modifications and being a good whore, I remembered him cutting me, and I knew I was no longer wearing the chastity cage. I had a vague fear that he castrated me. It took a lot of courage before I dared to look at myself. Robert never described it. He would just brush his fingers over my inner thighs over some scars and above my groin, and again ask me to tell him who did this to me. If I could even talk, how could I tell him what happened when I didn’t even know what was done to me?

To my relief, I wasn’t castrated. I was still whole. But Chris did modify me. Above my groin, he craved the words “cockslut” onto me. He also craved the words “whore” and “bitch” onto my inner thighs. I could also see angry red scars on my penis and scrotum. I wondered if the scars were evidence that I was impotent now, and if that was why I wasn’t wearing the chastity cage anymore.

When I looked at the rest of my body in the mirror, I could see why Robert was so concerned about my weight. I could see my entire rib cage protruding out. My skin looked like it was a wet rag stretched to dry over my bones. My hip bones jutted out like hand rails. It was a wonder I was still alive.

I didn’t recognize myself. I didn’t know who I was. I don’t know how long I stared at myself in the mirror trying to figure out who I was.

I wasn’t expecting Robert to come home before I was done examining myself in the mirror. But he quietly appeared behind me in the mirror. I could see the pity in his expression. I realized then why he treated me like a precious loved one and hasn’t tried to fuck me. He pitied me.

Not for the first time, he said, “I wish you would talk to me. Tell me why you stopped talking.”

I still had no words to answer him.

Robert grabbed an extra blanket from the chest in the corner and gently wrapped it around me. “I’m sorry you were hurt like this. No one was supposed to permanently injure you. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to make sure everyone stayed in line. I never intended for you to be hurt this badly. I promise you that I will do better. You will survive your sentence, Jacen. I promise.”

It was his pity and guilt talking. I didn’t need his pity or guilt. I needed him to want me and to never leave me again. I needed him to care for me and to protect me. I needed to show him how grateful I was and that I didn’t take him for granted. I needed him to fuck me. I needed to be his. I needed to do whatever it took so he would never leave me again.

I turned around so that I faced him. Robert was silent, waiting for my next move, perhaps waiting for me to finally speak again.

I didn’t speak. Instead, I let the blanket around my shoulders fall and stepped into his personal space. I tipped his head down and kissed him. It was the first kiss I had ever initiated with anyone, but I knew I needed to show him.

I surprised him. He stiffened and pushed me away.

“Jacen, I told you that I won’t be touching you like that. You don’t need to do that.” In the back of my head, I could appreciate the irony of him refusing me, but I would not be deterred.

I kneeled, reaching for his pants so I could suck his cock. I needed to show him. He can use me. I deserved it. I needed it to be him and no one else.

Robert didn’t look pleased. “No. Jacen, stand up.” Reactively, I obeyed his order. Once I was standing, Robert tried to explain. “Just get better, okay? You don’t need to worry about anything else right now.”

I felt like I was going to die. He was rejecting me again. I couldn’t think of anything worse than Robert leaving me again.

No, no, no. I fell to my knees and started rocking, uncaring if I was banging my head against the floor or hurting myself. I shut my eyes, but my tears fell anyways. I wished that I could dissociate again. I couldn’t do this again. I just couldn’t.

I felt Robert’s arms circle around me, like he was trying to hold my pieces together. I paused. He still cared? I didn’t fuck up? I looked up, and Robert touched his forehead to mine in a silent message of understanding.

When I kissed him this time, he didn’t protest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most people are familiar with Stockholm Syndrome, the psychological phenomenon where captives develop sympathy, loyalty, affection or other empathetic feelings (or even sexual attraction) towards their captors/abductors/aggressors as a survival coping mechanism. Generally, it's feelings that started based on fear, not love. It's often romanticized in fiction, but the reality is it's not a healthy, loving relationship because of the power inequalities and inability of the captive to leave and freely choose healthier relationships.
> 
> Lesser known is Lima Syndrome, which is the exact opposite of Stockholm Syndrome. It's where the captor develops positive feelings for the captive, starts to treat the captive as human because of pity or guilt, and may even let them free.


	17. Chapter 17

That night, Robert held me. He insisted that I be clothed, but he allowed me to cuddle into him. As I settled in, he kissed the top of my head and said, “I promise you will get through this.” I didn’t believe him, but I didn’t really care. He was here.

I knew he held me out of pity. He must think I’m like some scared child scared of the dark. But as long as he didn’t leave me, I didn’t care what his reasons were. He refused more intimate sexual contact, finally stopping me with “Focus on getting better first. We’ll talk about it more when I can no longer count your ribs.” As long as he held me close, I accepted that excuse. As long as he didn’t leave me.

As the days went by, I began to have more agency in my care. For the most part, I could handle basic tasks on my own again. I slowly started to regain weight, and learned to bathe myself using a small bucket in the bathing chamber. I was afraid that Robert would think I didn’t need him anymore once I started doing things on my own again, but he smiled at me and said, “Jacen, I’m happy to see you getting better.” It made me glad that Robert liked my progress.

But I still needed Robert and became increasingly distraught every time he left me, even for the simplest of errands or the shortest of time periods. Rationally, I knew he had work as the steward to run the household, and he couldn’t stay with me every minute of every day. I knew that. But I felt like he was leaving me and never coming back each time he left the room. I was going to die if he left me.

At first, I would only cry and throw myself at him in grateful relief when he returned. Robert would try to reassure me, but he didn’t know why I was so upset. He would ask if I was ok, what was wrong, did anything happen, etc. to try to figure it out. But I couldn’t speak, or even shake my head yes or no in response to his questions. He tried distracting me, reasoning with me, and even giving me work to do while he was gone, but nothing worked at reducing my distress at being separated from him. 

My anxiety increased over time. I tried to wrap my arms around him as if I could stop him from leaving like a sobbing toddler, and Robert would try to disentangle himself from my arms without hurting me. When he finally left, I would sob the entire time he was gone. He never guessed the cause of my anxiety. It became a point of tension in our relationship, where he would increasingly sneak out early in the morning while I still slept so he could get to work without fighting me in the morning. It just made me more anxious. I started having trouble falling asleep, and each day I felt like breathing was so much more labored while he was away.

One day I had an anxiety attack while he was gone and I hit my head on the side of the footboard as I lost my balance from a sudden bout of dizziness. Robert found me on the floor, a little dazed but conscious and otherwise okay.

“Jacen. What happened?” He was instantly at my side, like a concerned parent coming home to see a child fallen on the ground. “Are you hurt?”

Robert tried to look me over, make sure I was okay. I couldn’t tell him anything. I was frustrated at my inability to speak, to even shake my head in response to simple questions. How could I tell him that he couldn’t leave me, not ever again?

Not knowing what else to do, I just clung to him in desperation.

I resolved that he wouldn’t sneak out in the morning to leave me ever again. The next morning, I was ready for him. When he moved out of bed, I was already awake but pretended to be asleep. When he left, I followed him. He didn’t notice me until he reached the entrance to his office in the mansion. 

“You can’t be here. You have to go back to the little house.”

I wanted to shake my head no. I was going to stay with him. I grabbed his hand. It was all I could think of to say “I’m staying with you.”

Robert looked down at my hand. “Jacen, you can’t stay.”

I couldn’t help it. I started to cry. I didn’t know how to make him understand. I needed him.

“Fuck.” Robert started mumbling some things under his breath to himself, but I got the clear sense that I had won. He opened the door to his office, let me in, and gestured to the corner. 

“You’ll stay there. At least I don’t have to worry about you staying quiet.” Robert said in defeat.

Delighted, I sat down on the floor in the corner.


	18. Chapter 18

One night, Robert started to confess. He knew I was awake and would hear him. He was drinking that night, and I was fairly certain he was drunk. Maybe he was emboldened by the fact he knew I would not answer him, or maybe guilt was riding his conscious hard that night. For whatever reason, Robert decided to share. He was sitting in the chair by window, staring outside. I was already in bed even though the night was still young.

“When I was 12, my older sister was raped and murdered. They never caught the raping son of bitch. My parents never stopped grieving, and I never forgot how that raping, murdering shit changed all of our lives. I promised myself that I would never let anything like that happen to anyone I care about. And gods help anyone who did because I would destroy them.” Robert took another sip of wine as if he needed even more alcohol to continue his confession.

“Then Lord Yates asked me to make sure justice was served for Serina. I gladly agreed.” Robert poured himself another glass, finishing the wine bottle and opening another.

I couldn’t see him clearly, but I saw him shift in the shadows. I stayed very still, afraid to attract his attention despite the fact that he was talking to me. Especially when he was drunk and talking about rape. I was afraid of him in that moment.

“I was going to make you regret ever looking at her, touching her. I would show you how you made her feel, what it means to be fucked and used. I needed you to connect how it felt to be used with how you made her feel during the rape. You were supposed to be sorry for raping Serina. Not sorry for being arrested. Not sorry for yourself. You were supposed to be sorry for what you fucking did. You were supposed to be fucking desperate to show remorse for what you did, to fucking beg her to forgive you.” I could almost hear him shake his head.

“But you only showed fear for your own fucking ass. You would say ‘I deserve it.’ like that would get you better treatment from me. You have the most pitiful puppy dog eyes when you beg. That isn’t fucking remorse for your actions.” He snorted in disgust.

“That day, before I left for the city, you wanted to know why I was treating you nice. I was so fucking pissed with myself with the idea that I was letting you off easy. I remember thinking: Why the fuck was I being nice to a rapist? I must be getting too attached. You made me furious. I wanted to hurt you, make you bleed, show you that you don’t deserve to be treated nicely. I left you before I let my anger at myself found an outlet in you.”

“And now you…” Robert’s voice trailed off.

“Fuck, I don’t know why I’m telling you this shit.” Robert finished the glass. “It’s not like you’re talking back. I might as well be talking to a fucking wall. Fuck.”

Silence ensued with the specter of his confession haunting the air between us.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about Robert following his confession. I don’t think it changes anything for me. But it seemed like he needed to say it.

After an hour or more of silence, Robert finally decided to turn in for the night. I felt him settle in the bed beside me.

I wrapped my body around his to get close. Despite the negative feelings he was sharing during his confession, he didn’t reject me. That encouraged me. I kissed him softly, keeping myself open for him. He responded, deepening the kiss and mapping my mouth with his tongue. It was like he was reclaiming me, after abstaining from touching me for so long.

This time, instead of resisting further contact, Robert shifted over so he was between my legs. My legs automatically spread wide for him, preparing my body to be fucked by him. His kiss became savage and his hands claimed my body. I was glad that I had finally regained some weight, so his touch felt more sensual and intimate instead of like touching a corpse. This time, instead of keeping my arms to my side, I loosely wrapped them around Robert’s head as he kissed me. After a while, he moved my hands to the side of my face.

Robert reached over for the oil to prepare me. Before he opened the bottle, he looked at me one more time. I don’t know what he was searching for in my expression, or whether he saw what he was looking for. 

He gave me a brief kiss on the lips, then opened the bottle of oil. I kept my legs spread open for him, and tilted my pelvis up from him like he trained me to do so long ago. His fingers entered me softly, stretching me and applying the oil to my rim. Robert didn’t take long, only preparing me enough so I wouldn’t tear. He put away the oil, then held my thighs up back towards me to angle my pelvis up. He hovered over me for a moment, looking into my eyes. I looked at him with my blank stare, open and vulnerable.

“I can’t be gentle right now.” He didn’t wait for me to answer, either because he knew I couldn’t or he didn’t care.

Without further warning, Robert fucked me open in one dominating thrust. It hurt. I whimpered at the pain of his thrusts, but my body didn’t tense up. He readjusted his grip on the back of my thighs, clenching me hard as he continued to impale me with his erect cock. It felt like he was trying to fuck through to my stomach with the force of his thrusts. I kept my hands by my head, clenching them in fists in an attempt to mask my pain. Even as my ass tightened reflexively around his cock as he fucked me with hard determination, my legs splayed open for him like a perfect fuck doll.

For a few minutes while he was fucking me, I felt distant and apathetic. I wasn’t sure why. I wanted this, right? I wanted to please Robert so he wouldn’t leave me. I would do whatever it took to make Robert happy with me. So why wasn’t I happy being fucked by him?

Robert started to stroke my penis. He never did that before while he was fucking me before, probably because I was always wearing the chastity cage. My penis was still flaccid, but I was unsure if it was because of the damage that Chris did to me or if it was because I wasn’t interested in sex. But even if I didn’t get aroused by Robert’s strokes, he continued to stroke me with firm smooth strokes in time with his thrusts. I told myself that I was lucky that he cared about my pleasure at all even if I didn’t feel anything from it.

Mercifully, Robert came inside me relatively quick. While still inside me, he lowered himself to fuck my mouth with his tongue. He softened and gentled as he came down from his orgasm. He ended the kiss on my mouth then shifted the kisses down my body. He nuzzled at my flaccid penis and only gave it a brief kiss on the tip before moving on. He kissed along my scars on the inside of my thighs. Throughout it all, I stayed perfectly still.

Eventually, he stopped playing with my body. He left and returned briefly with a washbowl and a clean cloth to clean me up. I let him bathe me like he did so many times in the past. He finished cleaning up, then cuddled with me in bed.

Robert fell asleep almost instantly.

I stayed awake, wondering if I would ever enjoy sex or if I was too damaged.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe how immersed I am in this right now. I've spent years thinking about writing, but every time I actually tried to write anything, I get stuck with writer's block and can never get anything out. And now, it's all I can do to get this story out of my head and "on paper" so to speak. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments; it's hard to believe there are other people out there who are enjoying this story. There's 99 kudos at the moment, which just feels weird to me, especially considering the nature of this story. It's not just me! :)

I sat in my corner in Robert’s office, sorting invoices by date. After a while, Robert started giving me small tasks like sorting, saying “Might as well put you to use. Do you know your numbers?” I did, as long as they were simple, like dates. I didn’t need any work to avoid boredom. If Robert didn’t have anything for me to do, then I was content to observe him work. I knew I was safe as long as I was with him, and that was good enough for me.

I was almost done sorting, when I heard, “That ungrateful brat! Robert, please, you need to talk some sense into that girl.” Lord Yates came storming into Robert’s office and stopped when he saw me sitting on the floor in my corner.

“What the hell is that piece of shit doing here?” Lord Yates was trembling with fury at the sight of me. I tried to curl into a ball and make myself as small as possible.

Robert simply laughed. “Don, he’s been coming with me to work for weeks now. He’s perfectly harmless.”

“Harmless? He’s a branded rapist. He raped my daughter.” Lord Yates was not calming down at all. Robert didn’t seem worried at all.

I started to rock back and forth, anxious about the argument over me. I didn’t like this. Robert will protect you, I repeated to myself. You’re ok. Just breathe.

“Jacen has learned how to behave. He won’t cause any trouble.” Robert replied.

“You talk about him like he’s a stray dog that you house-broke.” Lord Yates grumbled.

Robert grinned. “Should I get a collar and leash?”

Lord Yates wasn’t amused. “That is not funny. He’s nothing but trouble. Already tried to spread lies about town. Gods knows what he’ll try next.”

Robert dismissed the argument. “He’s broken. He knows his master. Doesn’t even talk anymore.”

Lord Yates glanced at me like I was a cockroach trapped in a jar. “At least Chris did something right for once.”

Upon hearing Chris’ name, I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I could feel my anxiety wash over me like a tidal wave, threatening to drown me. I rocked a little harder. I wished desperately that I could dissociate again, to stop feeling. But I wasn’t in control of when I could separate from this reality, or when my anxiety attacks would strike. There’s no on/off switch to protect me when I got scared. I focused on breathing, and tried to ignore the conversation going on above my head.

Robert paused. “Chris? What does Chris have to do with Jacen?”

I couldn’t see him, but Lord Yates’ joy at the memory of what Chris did to me was a tangible force that I could feel. I felt sick.

Lord Yates explained, “While you were away visiting your family, this shit was causing some trouble trying to overturn his conviction with some ridiculous appeal. Thank gods the judge held a closed hearing so the lies didn’t spread around town and shut that nonsense down fast.”

I was mildly curious about what he was talking about since I no idea what he was referring to but breathing took too much effort. Lord Yates continued. “Afterwards, I was meeting with Chris to go over the Acton contracts. Since you weren’t here, Chris volunteered to teach this miserable shit his place in life. I’m glad Chris made sure the shit won’t spread any more lies.”

“What did Chris do?” Robert’s voice was neutral.

“Hell if I know. He only told me that he ‘fixed’ him. Wouldn’t even need to wear the chastity cage after he was done either.” Lord Yates scoffed.

I was slowly dying. I couldn’t breathe. It was hard to focus on anything else. Robert didn’t come comfort me like he normally did, and I felt abandoned.

Then, as if it wasn’t obvious that I was dying on the floor, Robert changed subjects and continued talking with Lord Yates like my dying on his floor didn’t matter. “Hm. Interesting. Did you come here for a reason? I thought I heard you say something about one of your daughters. I presume you mean Serina…?”

“That girl is going to be the death of me. She dropped out of finishing school, insists on socializing with those Neotraditionists, and is now trying to negotiate a marriage contract on her own. She’s completely out of control.” 

I felt a kick to my shin as Lord Yates continued, “Just cause this miserable shit ruined her doesn’t mean she can do whatever the fuck she wants.” Lord Yates’ anger directed at me seemed blunted this time despite the kick.

Robert redirected Lord Yates attention away from me again. “Who is she trying to marry? Is it someone suitable at least?”

Lord Yates sighed. “Debatable. John Daly. Heard of him?”

Robert responded, “Isn’t he that gem trader? New money.”

“Jewel designer, yes. He’s gained quite the reputation for himself as the most sought after designer for precious gems. Probably turning her head with all sorts of inappropriate, expensive gifts.”

Robert shrugged. “Why not invite the boy for dinner? Meet him. See if he’s a suitable match? He’s new money, probably has no idea how these things are done.” Robert smirked. “He probably thinks you marry for love. I wouldn’t be surprised if Serina was the one turning *his* head.”

“I tried.” Lord Yates’ frustration was palatable. “Damn girl keeps interfering somehow. Every invitation is politely declined due to a scheduling conflict.”

Robert gave a brief laugh. “I’ll talk with her. Where is she now?”

“She’s visiting Aunt Cecilia. She’ll be back home next week.”

“All right. I’ll wait till she comes home and I’ll talk with her.” Robert promised.

With a parting kick to my shin, Lord Yates left Robert’s office.

I stayed curled in the ball, still focused on breathing through my anxiety. I didn’t noticed Robert coming to kneel beside me.

“Jacen, you’re okay.” Robert wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in tight against him. “Shh. I’m here. You’re okay.” He cooed.

I turned my body into him, seeking comfort from him even though I was still hurt that he let Lord Yates treat me like that. I deliberately wiped my tears on his shirt in a small act of revenge. Robert either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He continued holding me and stroking my back like he actually cared about me.

After I calmed down, Robert asked softly, “Feeling better?”

To my surprise, I was actually able to nod in response. He smiled broadly at me, like I mastered a difficult skill for the first time. I turned my head back into his shoulder, content just to breathe.


	20. Chapter 20

Robert was disappointed that my ability to respond to questions nonverbally was limited to simple, uncomplicated questions and only under certain conditions. I could answer innocent questions like “Are you hungry?” or “Are you tired?” if I was calm. Simple questions that had no possible negative consequences no matter how I responded. If I was upset, I couldn’t respond to any questions no matter how innocent the question. 

He tried to probe a little bit about my past or how I felt about certain things, but I couldn’t answer those questions and would just look at him blankly in response. Thankfully, Robert carefully avoided questions about Chris, though I suspected he had pieced together what Chris did to me from my reactions to water and the scars Chris left me with.

But for the most part, Robert had learned to read me fairly well even before I could answer simple questions. His questions unerringly showed that he knew what I was thinking or feeling at least 70% of the time. On the other hand, I still had problems reading him and what he wanted.

This morning started out much like any other. When I woke up this morning, Robert was already up and dressed. When he saw me stirring, he walked over to me and kissed me on the head. “Good morning, Jacen.” I simply looked up at him to see if he had any orders for me.

When no orders were forthcoming, I got up and dressed for the day as usual. Robert was sitting at the table eating breakfast. I joined him, and was a little disappointed that today’s breakfast was a hearty plate with eggs, sausage, tomatoes and potatoes. It’s too heavy.

Robert didn’t miss my reaction. With a fondness I didn’t understand, he said, “I know you prefer fruit and oatmeal, but you need the protein and the calories.” 

I thought I had gained enough weight by now. Did Robert not find me attractive? He obviously thought I still needed to gain more weight.

“No, you’re okay. Just want to make sure you stay healthy, all right?” Robert reassured me.

I nodded. 

When I started eating, Robert began talking like he usually did during our meals. He waited until I was done eating before shifting the topic to today’s plans. “So today, you know I’m meeting Serina for lunch, right?”

I didn’t respond to that one. But Robert continued anyways. “You can come with me in the morning while I work, but I think it would be better if you stayed here while I talk with her.” He looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction.

I knew why he didn’t want me in the same room with Serina. I didn’t particularly want to see her either. But the thought of being separated from Robert, even for that short period of time, made me anxious. I was safe when I was with Robert. Logically, I knew he wasn’t trying to leave me but I couldn’t bear the thought.

“Jacen, I know you don’t like being alone. How about if I ask Clare to stay with you while I’m gone?” Robert asked gently.

He didn’t understand, not quite. It wasn’t about my being alone. It was being without him. But I had no words. I got anxious and I couldn’t respond to his question. I was trying hard not to cry or have an anxiety attack at the thought of being separated.

“I’m sorry, Jacen. But you can’t stay with me. It won’t be long.”

I knew Robert brought this up now so I could prepare myself and I wouldn’t be surprised this afternoon, but I didn’t like this.

We walked over to the mansion, where I settled on the floor of his office. Robert didn’t have any tasks for me, so I just stared off into space. 

I started to daydream about what it would have been like if I met Robert and was never convicted of rape. I assume that he prefers men, but maybe not. Would he even be interested in me? What would our first time together be like? I like to think he would always be gentle with me, instead of fucking me roughly. Would I like it? If this never happened to me, would I even be attracted to him? What would a date with Robert be like?

My thoughts swirled around, and before I knew it, it was lunchtime. A servant came into the office and informed Robert, “Lunch is ready for you and Miss Yates.”

Robert thanked her, then turned to me. “It’s time to go. It won’t be more than a couple of hours. Clare should already be at the house with your lunch waiting for you. Will you be ok?”

I wanted to shake my head no but I couldn’t.

Robert gave me a quick hug. Then he asked, “Do you want me to walk you back to the house?”

I managed to control myself enough to give a quick shake no to that question. If Robert came with me, I knew I would have a hard time letting him go. I knew not to make a scene here. It would be better if I left by myself.

“Okay. I’ll get you when I’m done with lunch then. I’ll see you soon.” Robert gave me a quick kiss goodbye.

I left the mansion and began the short walk back to Robert’s house.

But just as I turned the corner to Robert’s house, Van and a couple of his friends were blocking the path, chatting excitedly with each other. At first they were surprised to see me, then when they realized that I was alone, their expressions turned calculating. 

Fuck.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that last chapter ended on a bit of a cliffhanger, so I wanted to post this chapter quickly. 
> 
> As always, poor Jacen. I'm evil, I know.

Van smirked. “Heya cockslut. We missed you.”

I froze, unsure what to do.

Almost immediately, Van came forward and grabbed my arm. “Let’s have some fun. You’d like that, won’t you?”

One of his friends, the darker-skinned one, looked uncertain. “Van, are you sure about this? I thought he was Robert’s pet?”

The other friend dismissed the other’s concerns. “Alic, I told you. Everyone’s fucked him. He won’t object. Look, you can see his brand. He’s fair game.”

I was too well conditioned not to fight them or try to escape. Oddly enough, I didn’t start having an anxiety attack. It’s like my body already knew and accepted what they were going to do to me, and it skipped over anxiety straight to cold numbness.

Van lead me to the barn. He looked around the barn to find a secluded spot to fuck me in. “Let’s go up to the loft area.”

At Van’s direction, I lead the way up the ladder into the loft. Once I was inside, I stayed still waiting for their next orders, hoping they won’t hurt me too bad. I wanted Robert, but I knew he wouldn’t be able to stop this from happening, not in time at least. I was on my own. It’s okay. I’ve been fucked before by multiple men before. I will survive this.

Van came up first. Upon seeing me, he ordered me to strip. I was too well conditioned not to obey. He moved a couple of hay bales around to create a fuck nest. His friends quickly followed.

“Jess, do you wanna warm him up first?” Van asked.

Jess, the friend with light-colored hair and the smug look on his face, grinned broadly. “Oh yeah.” He laid down in the middle of the hay nest they cleared and removed his cock from his pants. Stroking himself, he said, “Hey, cockslut. Fuck yourself on this.”

At least it wasn’t Chris and they weren’t likely going to drown me in the loft of the barn. I complied.

I straddled his hips and without any preparation, I penetrated myself on his cock. Jess’ hands circled my waists then used my hips as leverage to pull me down as he started bucking his hips up. I could feel the fresh burn of my flesh tearing as he fucked me. It hurt, but I was used to dry fucks. I could survive this.

Jess started playing with my penis as it bounced up and down as he fucked me. He started squeezing and twisting it, causing me to cry out in pain. Apparently he liked how I reacted, since he continued to manhandle it on every thrust.

My cries were getting louder, and I couldn’t hide my painful reactions. I fell over in pain, but he continued fucking me while crushing my balls. I couldn’t escape this. I wish I could completely dissociate and lose awareness of what they were doing to me, but I remained very much aware of what was happening to me. I wanted to beg them to stop, but the only sounds I made were inarticulate cries of pain.

I heard Van say, “Enough, Jess. Or we won’t get a chance to play with him too.”

The pain relief was instant when Jess stopped. But then Van suggested, “Alic, did you still want to try? I think it would be fun. I can’t wait to see it.”

Jess laughed. “Oh, Alic. You gotta try it. There’s nothing like it. Trust me.”

I didn’t know what they were talking about. I assumed it was about using me one right after the other, which I’ve experienced multiple times. But they were talking about something else.

I couldn’t see Alic or Van since they were behind me, but I heard some rustling behind me. Throughout it all, Jess continued to fuck me. I was on top but there were no illusions about who was in control. Then I felt a hand on my back pushing me forward towards Jess. Jess grabbed my arms, pulling me in tight against him as he continued to grind up into me. I was careful to keep my body limp to avoid more pain.

I felt fingers touching my hole where Jess’ dick was fucking me. At first, the fingers circled around Jess’ dick as it entered me, then I felt the fingers dig into me beside Jess’ dick. I gasped in pain from the stretch. The fingers continued probing around Jess’ dick and Jess continued thrusting like it was no big deal for someone else’s fingers to be touching his dick during sex. I felt fingers slide into me completely beside Jess’ dick, then the fingers started fucking me alongside Jess. It was too much. Tears began to well in my eyes and I was crying out incoherently in pain.

The fingers continued fucking me alongside Jess’ dick for a minute, then the fingers withdrew. Then I felt the head of another dick nudging against me. Before I could gather a breath to prepare, the second dick penetrated me fully. The pain tore a horrible ear-piercing scream from my throat. My body thrashed in response, jerking in Jess’ and Alic’s arms.

The boys panicked at my scream, and Van immediately jumped over and stuck his fingers down my throat. I just screamed around it. 

“I thought you said he was quiet.”

“He is. He was.” 

Van quickly undid his pants and shoved his cock down my throat to try to muffle my screams, which did significantly reduced the sound of it. Jess and Alic held me tight between them until my body stopped thrashing. I was completely stunned with pain, unable to control any reactions.

After a few seconds and no one coming to investigate my screams, they all resumed fucking me at once. My body felt like it was being ripped apart in different directions. They were talking to each other or to me, I couldn’t tell. I wasn’t capable of understanding speech. I couldn’t process anything. I was completely overwhelmed with pain. The three of them were fucking me to death. I was so afraid of drowning, but I was going to die on their dicks.

While Jess couldn’t play with my penis anymore because I was so tightly pushed up against him, he moved to my nipples, twisting them hard like he was trying to rip them off. But that was a minor ache compared to the horrendous pain in my ass. I couldn’t tell how much damage they were causing, but I know that there was damage. Neither Alic nor Jess had came yet, but I could feel wetness there as if they had came and I knew it was my blood. They glided easily as they tore me apart using my blood as lube.

Jess was the first to orgasm. He came with a shuttering thrust then went limp. Thankfully, he decided to withdraw his cock from me after he was done, probably because he was getting oversensitive. The pain relief upon his withdrawal was instantaneous. 

Once Jess withdrew, Alic started fucking me harder, chasing his own orgasm. I was rocking back and forth between Alic and Van like a limp rope in a game of tug of war. Jess started squeezing my penis again, but I couldn’t differentiate between all the sources of pain in my body.

Alic decided he wanted to see me covered in his cum, so he pulled out at the last minute and finished on me. Likewise, Van pulled out of my mouth and came over my face.

I was still conscious, but unresponsive. Van said something to me, but I was beyond understanding. Then I felt myself flipped roughly over onto my stomach and hands spreading my legs. If they were going to fuck me again, I didn’t care anymore. I was dying. Nothing they did would change that. I felt fingers penetrate me, then more pain as his entire hand entered me. Van shouted something in excitement to the others, but I couldn’t process words anymore. I had finally dissociated again. 

I don’t know how much longer they played with my dead body before deciding they were done. They left me like a crumpled piece of trash in the loft, covered in blood and cum. 

I tried to move after resting for a short period, but a sharp pain radiating up my gut and spine preventing me from moving. I could feel my blood puddling beneath me. I’ve never bled that much where it puddled under me after I was done being fucked. I knew that meant it I was losing a lot of blood and they tore me up bad. I knew Robert would be looking for me, but that thought didn’t give me any peace.

I hoped that I would bleed to death before anyone found me. It was time to let go of this body. I kept my promise, Mama.

Eventually, I was able to pass out.


	22. Chapter 22

When I came to again, there was a lot of commotion. Robert was hovering over me, but so were a lot of other people. 

“Fetch the doctor.” Robert sounded like he was far away, which was weird cause he was right here.

“Are you sure Lord Yates will want to pay for a doctor for him?”

“I said to get the doctor.” Robert enunciated each word as if his anger couldn’t be contained by words alone, which was very unlike him. It felt surreal.

I felt myself be picked up and I lost track of what was going on. The next thing I knew I was nauseous because my head was upside down. I threw up, and was quickly laid down on the ground. I was suddenly very hot but I was shivering.

I was moving again, and each step was jarring like a swift kick to my spine. I started crying out in pain again. “Almost there,” I heard. 

I felt a damp cloth wiping at my mouth and I opened my eyes to see Robert over me. Suddenly, I felt a strong desire to see Mama. I had tried to forget about Mama, to not think about her except to remind myself to keep my promise to her. But I wanted Mama. I tried to push Robert away, but I had no control of my limbs. He continued cleaning me, and I drifted again. 

A sharp pain in my ass blazed anew. I screamed and thrashed like a feral animal out of control.

They restrained me and stopped hurting me for a moment. Robert then tried to get me to drink something. “Jacen, this will help with the pain.” I tried to refuse but he forced it down my throat. I started choking at first, but quickly swallowed the rest. It was bitter and made my mouth pucker in distaste. Then they started hurting me again. I was always being hurt and I didn’t understand why life hated me so much but refused to let me go.

I don’t know if they were done with me, or if I was done with them. I faded away again.

“Robert, he’s lost a lot of blood. I’ve stitched up what I could and stopped the bleeding, but there’s a high risk of infection. If he gets an infection, his chances of surviving aren’t good. Given the delicate location of his injuries, the treatment options for an infection are limited. If those tears get infected, I would recommend putting him down. That type of death… it won’t be nice. Letting him go would be a mercy.”

I didn’t hear Robert’s response but I hoped he would grant me that final mercy.

Pain and I were old friends, but I still got disoriented when I woke because of severe pain. Robert somehow knew I was stirring because he forced more of that hideous drink on me. Instead of immediately going back to sleep, I stirred a little more and opened my eyes.

Robert came and sat in the chair next to the bed when he saw I was awake. “I know you can talk but you choose not to. Jacen, this is important. I need you to tell me who did this to you.”

I just blinked slowly at him. He waited a long while for me to talk. I couldn’t.

Eventually, he shook his head in sadness. Then he asked, “Jacen, are you hungry?” I couldn’t answer even a simple question like that right now. 

Robert didn’t wait for a response he knew wasn’t coming. He left and came back with some bone broth. He tried to help feed the broth to me, but I lost what little energy I had and fell asleep again.

When I next woke, it was to voices arguing. It was Robert and I think…Lord Yates? I kept my eyes closed and pretended to still be asleep.

“He is a branded rapist. I don’t care if he is dying or not. Why do we need to hire a doctor for him?”

“Don, I know you are upset about the money but-” Robert began but Lord Yates interrupted him.

“I don’t give a shit about the money. Do you love him or something? You claimed him as yours. You threaten anyone else who dares to touch him. You coddle him like a lost puppy. I don't get it. Why do you give a shit about him?”

There was a ruffing sound and Robert response was too soft and I couldn’t hear it clearly. Whatever it was, it was a long explanation and I may have heard the words “deserve” and “promise” and “contract.” I was too preoccupied with pain to really focus on their conversation, even if it was about me.

Lord Yates scuffed. “Really?”

Robert sighed. “Yes.”

“You’re wasting your time.”

“Maybe. But I’m not ready to give up yet.”

“Robert, you’re a sentimental fool if you think that miserable shit will ever love you.”

“Who said anything about love?”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short tease of a chapter. And it really is a short tease, sorry! But I promise not to make you wait too long before updating again. I am especially curious on your reactions to the ending here, and would love to see your comments, theories, reviews, etc.
> 
> Only 2 more chapters until the next interlude, then onto the final phase of the story.

I was too hot. The cloths surrounding my body were too hot. I wanted to get rid of everything covering my body. At first, I tried to kick them away, but my legs couldn’t move. Then I tried to push them away, and discovered that my arms were restrained. I started to twist my body, but a sharp pain radiated up throughout my body and left me gasping and crying at the same time.

“Jacen, stop. You’re just hurting yourself.” I felt hands pinning my shoulders down. “Shit, you’re burning up.”

I had a moment of clarity. Robert cared, right? He will help me.

I looked at him and spoke, “Let me die.”

Robert looked shocked upon hearing my words. He recovered quickly, looked at me solemnly and said, “No, Jacen. I promised you that you would survive your sentence. I’m not letting you give up.”

Why wouldn’t he help me? I deserved mercy. Why can’t he let me go yet? Haven’t I suffered enough? 

I felt myself being lifted up. I screamed in agony, losing all conscious thought, including the desire for death. I was caught in pain. Nothing existed except for pain.

Then, relief. I realized that Robert had put me inside a bath to try to bring my fever down. I was in too much pain to protest being put in the bath. The bath actually felt good, and I relaxed into it. Robert forced me to drink that horrible drink again while I was in the bath. I fell asleep not to long afterwards. I had a brief thought that maybe this time I would drown, and I was okay with that.

I slowly became aware of Robert speaking to me. I was back in the bed but still too tired to do anything including open my eyes. I drifted for a little bit, not really listening to Robert’s words but just listening to the sound of his voice.

He was stroking my hand with his thumb. “…just get better, okay? If you get better, you can go home. I already made all the arrangements. Your mother and sister are waiting for you. They miss you and want you to come home. You just have to get better.” His grip tightened for a bit. “Please, I need to make this right.”


	24. Chapter 24

When I woke again, I felt tremendously better. I still hurt. But I was aware and lucid. 

I couldn’t immediately see Robert, but I could hear him in the wash room. It wasn’t too long before he emerged wrapped in a towel. He immediately saw that I was awake.

He smiled warmly at me. “You’re awake. Feeling better?”

I still wasn’t able to answer, even non-verbally. As usual, Robert wasn’t frustrated with my lack of response. He came over and felt my forehead, checking for a fever. “You look a lot better. Just give me a moment to get dressed and I’ll get you something to eat, okay?” He gave me a brief smile as he turned away.

He returned a couple of minutes later with that horrible drink and some broth. He helped me drink the medicine and broth. Most of the broth ended up on me and the bed, but Robert cleaned it up without any fuss. 

When I was done, I didn’t fall back asleep like I normally did. Robert sat by the bed, looking uncomfortable. It was a long time before he spoke.

“The doctor will be coming to see you again tomorrow. Hopefully, we’ll get a better idea on how you’re healing and when you might be well enough to travel.”

I didn’t understand. Travel?

Robert asked, “Do you remember what I told you? About going home?”

Going home? Wasn’t this home?

Robert took in a breath and sat up straighter in his chair. He was careful to keep his emotions reigned in tight and speak neutrally. “Jacen, I’m so sorry. What I did to you was so unforgivably wrong and I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing, but that’s no excuse. There’s no excuse for what I did. I’m not asking you to forgive me, but I will do whatever I can to make it up to you.”

He took another deep breath in. “You don’t deserve this. Any of this. You should be home, with your family. So, once you’re well enough, you’re going home. I already talked with Lord Yates, and I bought out your service contract, so you don’t need to worry about that. You can go home, be free.”

I looked at him then. I was alarmed. He was sending me away? Didn’t he learn what happens when he leaves me? Why would he send me away?

He must have misinterpreted my expression because he said, “Your family understands your situation. I already spoke to them, told them a little about what’s happened to you. Your mother seems like a strong woman. And your sister, even though she’s only a young teenager, she’s a real spitfire. They will take care of you until you get better.”

I wanted to shake my head no, to yell and scream. I didn’t want him to leave me. I wanted to beg him to let me stay. I would do anything if he would let me stay.

I reached out and grabbed his hand, hoping he would understand. 

A couple of tears escaped from his eyes, which he wiped away hastily. “Jacen, I’m trying to do the right thing here. Unless you let me know that you don’t want this, I think this is what you need to get better. You’re not even talking anymore. I did that. All I do is hurt you. You need to stay away from me.”

No, Chris did that to me. You protect me. You care for me. Please don’t send me away. I need you.

But try as I might, I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t shake my head. All I could do was hold his hand. 

Robert covered my hand with his, and said, “You didn’t deserve any of this. I can’t undo what I did to you. This is the closest I can do. Please let me try to make this right.”

I could only cry. Whether it was in relief or grief, I could not say.


	25. Chapter 25

It’s only been a year.

One year since I’ve been home. One year since I was convicted. One year since I was first…

This was surreal. 

I’ve never been inside a carriage before, but Robert borrowed Lord Yates’ carriage to escort me home. Ha, even saying the word “home” felt surreal. I still couldn’t believe that this was happening. 

I tried not to get too nervous about seeing Mama and Amy again. It’s been a year. Over the past week, Robert tried to reassure me that they missed me and wanted me home. But I couldn’t help but feel like I ruined their lives and they would blame me for being such a burden. I couldn’t do anything, not like I used to. I was a broken fuck doll.

It was weird seeing the town again. It felt foreign, like I saw it in a previous lifetime.

Mama and Amy were waiting outside the apartment, and I almost didn’t recognize them. Amy was 14 now, but I will always remember her as the spirited girl with braids bouncing around the shop making a mess. Now, she looked like a poised lady wearing a fine dress and I was suddenly intimidated by what she must think of me after all this time. Mama looked so much older, like 20 years had passed instead of only one. I felt the guilt pressing down on me for ruining her life with my presence once again.

Mama and Amy clasped each other as they saw the carriage approach, clearly just as anxious as I was.

The carriage stopped, and I started to panic a little bit. Gods, what if they hated me? What if I screwed up their lives even more? 

Robert took my hands in his, and said, “You’re okay. Just breathe. It’ll be okay.”

I took a deep breath.

Robert left the carriage first and opened the door for me. As soon as I stepped out though, both Mama and Amy started crying and jumped forward to hug me. I jerked when they touched me, but otherwise didn’t show my discomfort at their touch. They were gushing over me, talking over each other but I couldn’t make anything out except that they seemed happy to see me.

After a minute, Mama stepped back, and said, “Let’s get you settled inside.” Amy was still hugging me, and I was trying not to tense up at the extended contact. I was just trying to focus on breathing.

The apartment looked the same but different. I felt like a visitor. It was awkward. I didn’t know what I should be doing.

Amy led me upstairs. “Your room is exactly how you left it.”

It was.

I assumed that they would have moved some stuff, sold it, given it away, thrown it away. Done something with it. But everything was the same. It was like the past year never happened. I was uncomfortable with it. I started to head back downstairs.

When I was most of the way down but still out of sight from the living area downstairs, I heard Mama and Robert talking. I sat down on the stairs to eavesdrop. Amy followed and sat next to me. It was something we did a lot when we were younger when we listened to our parents argue before Papa passed away.

Robert was trying to explain some of my sensitivities. “For the most part, Jacen is mute now. He still makes sounds in reaction to pain, but he won’t talk. Most times he won’t even try to communicate at all, not even using his hands, or shaking his head, expressions, nothing. Sometimes he’ll nod or shake his head in response to a simple yes or no question, but only if he’s comfortable and the question is harmless like ‘Do you want more fruit?’ Just be patient with him. In some respects, he’s like a baby that doesn’t cry. You have to watch him and guess what he needs because he won’t tell you.”

Mama replied, “It’s just so hard to believe.” I could tell she was upset by the tone of her voice. “He used to be so open. He was always the first one with a kind word, and now to hear that that was taken away from him…"

Hearing Mama so upset made me cry. Amy tried to soothe me by patting my back. I didn’t like it but I didn’t shrug her off.

Robert admitted, “He was hurt a lot. Deliberately and cruelly. Not just by other people. I hurt him. I raped him. Not just once or twice, but almost daily. The law may not consider it to be rape, but it was rape. It was wrong. I can admit that now. He didn’t deserve any of that. There’s nothing I can ever do that will ever make up for everything I did to him. Bringing him home to you like this… I’m ashamed. But he deserves to be home with his family. He deserves to heal.”

Mama was openly crying now. I couldn’t take this. I left my spot on the stairs and saw that Mama was sitting on the kitchen bench. I sat next to her and leaned against her. I wasn’t already to hug her, but I offered what comfort I could.

Amy also came out and confronted Robert. “I think you need to leave.”

I looked at Amy with dismay. I wanted to tell her, No, please don’t push Robert away. I need him.

Mama admonished, “Amy!”

Amy turned to Mama and said, “No, Mama. I won’t let him hurt Jacen or you.” She faced Robert again. “You need to leave. Now. You’re not welcome here.”

Before Mama could respond, Robert held up his hands and said, “I don’t want to cause any further problems. Would you be willing to escort me out? There’s a couple more things I would like to tell you, for your brother’s sake.”

I was alarmed. Robert was really going to leave me again. 

I couldn’t help the tears that started at the thought of Robert leaving me again.

Ignoring the angry glare Amy gave him, Robert came to me and knelt in front of me. “Jacen, I’m sorry for everything I did to you. Get better, okay? Just remember to keep breathing.” He brushed my hand in quickly. “Goodbye, Jacen.”

I grabbed him as he stood up. Don’t leave me.

Robert gently removed my fingers. “You don’t need me. You belong here. Take care.”

With that, Robert left me. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the end of part 2. For those of you who would prefer a "happy" ending, this is as close as it gets. You can pretend that Jacen receives the love and support from his mother and sister, he heals from his trauma, regains his confidence to speak, becomes stronger, maybe falls in love, and dies peacefully in his sleep. A less evil author would have actually written that ending for you rather than just leave it to your imagination.
> 
> But I had these "what if" questions that formed the theme for this story before I even started writing. And it starts in Part 3. Evil author kept thinking "What would happen to a traumatized rape survivor if..." So since that was the premise that started this story, I'll see it through. I did warn not to expect a journey of healing or recovery, or a happy ending. Sorry, Jacen.


	26. Interlude - Part 3

“Cynthia, why don’t you and Mary retire to the drawing room while the Mayor and I talk some business.” Lord Yates suggested after dinner. 

Lady Yates gave a conspiratorial wink at Mary. “I have some cordials set aside just for us.” The ladies took their leave, leaving Lord Yates and Mayor Jones alone in the dining room.

Lord Yates walked over to the drink cart. “Whisky?”

“Sure, I’ll take a glass.” Mayor Jones sat back in his seat.

Lord Yates served the glass of whisky, glanced meaningfully at the door leading to the drawing room, and gave a toast, “Here’s to the women who love us terribly, may they soon improve.” 

Mayor Jones laughed as intended, and drank to the quick toast.

They chatted for a little bit more, continuing the dinner conversation about Mayor Jones’ youngest son’s aspirations to become a physician and possible connections to obtain entry into a prestigious university. Lord Yates promised to forward a letter of introduction on his behalf.

From there, the conversation turned to Lord Yates’ children and his own challenges, namely, with Serina.

“Sam, be thankful you don’t have a daughter. I always thought girls would be easier, but Serina has no doubt been the cause of every one of my gray hairs.”

Mayor Jones chuckled. “You exaggerate, surely.”

Lord Yates grabbed at the roots of his hair, as if to show off the gray hair. “Sadly, I’m not. I just hope that I can arrange a suitable marriage for her soon. Then she’s the responsibility of that poor fool and no longer mine.”

“I always thought she was an amicable young lady. It surprises me to hear that she is causing you such trouble,” Mayor Jones remarked.

“Until the past year, I would have agreed with you. Then the attack happened, and she changed.” Lord Yates shook his head in sad disappointment in himself. 

“She thinks she is in love and wants to marry.”

“Congrats.”

Lord Yates laughed. “I wish. She fancies John Daly. Know him?”

“The fancy jewelry designer. He’s a little…” Mayor Jones paused, searching for the right word. “Socially awkward.”

Lord Yates snorted. “If that was the only problem. I was finally able to sit down with him and discuss a possible marriage arrangement a couple of days ago. I don’t want to disappoint her seeing how this is what she wants after everything she’s gone through, but I need to make sure he is the right fit for her. And what I heard from him was so beyond unacceptable, I can’t allow it despite her claims that I’m ruining her future.”

“What did he say?”

“He demanded evidence that Serina’s maidenhood was intact.” Lord Yates said baldly. 

He continued, clearly getting agitated as he spoke, “He insinuated that the rape was manufactured. The rape is a matter of public record. The raping bastard confessed! Does he think I would drag my daughter through that ugly, very public ordeal if it wasn’t true? For what purpose? To bring down some peasant I didn’t even know existed?”

Mayor Jones shook his head sympathetically. “Are there no other prospects?”

Lord Yates frowned. “No. It’s been over a year. Things are calm now, especially now that it’s clear that she didn’t get pregnant from that incident. But it’s hard to find marriage prospects for her after a very public scandal like this.”

They both sipped their respective drinks in silence for a minute.

Mayor Jones then asked, “Other than the tackless demand, how opposed would you be to Daly’s marriage proposal?”

Lord Yates raised a brow at the question. “The other points can be worked upon. She’s agreeable, at least. But that isn’t my primary concern. What type of father would I be if I allowed my daughter to marry an insensitive dolt like that? If he can’t even manage to negotiate this properly, how does he handle his business? How can he provide any type of security for her?”

Lord Yates distracted himself by swirling his glass. “I really wish I had other offers for her…”

“Why the rush? Give it some time.”

Lord Yates stared at his glass and swirled it some more. “Serina is becoming more reckless, and I will admit that I’m soft when it comes to her. If she continues to push, I will have to take harsher measures to control her. I don’t want to do that. I can’t help but think we shouldn’t have sent her away to the finishing school and kept her closer to home after the attack. But not knowing whether she might be carrying that bastard’s child, dealing with the broken engagement to Lord Winters, and the gossip… Cynthia and I thought it was better if she was away from all that.”

Mayor Jones winced in sympathy. “You made the right choice.”

Lord Yates continued the story, “Then that raping shit started his service here. Robert made some deal with him for a public apology. Of course, Serina had to be here for that. She was doing better away at the finishing school until she saw him again. When she saw that raping bastard again, she fell completely apart. She tried to tell me that she didn’t mean any of what she said, that it was all a lie, that the rape never happened. At first, I thought she just wanted to come home.”

Mayor Jones wisely didn’t say anything and let Lord Yates continue.

Lord Yates smiled ruthfully, “Then I realized she actually felt sorry for the bastard. She kept pleading with us to at least start treating that raping bastard like a guest rather than an indentured servant working off his retribution debt. Serina was always too compassionate, too soft, too nice. Did you know that she tried to take a slave’s punishment for stealing her hair ribbons only a month before the attack? And tried to take the blame for Melanie when Melanie shoplifted that necklace?”

“She once petitioned for a children’s shelter be built.” Mayor Jones smiled.

“I remember that. You denied that, as I recall.”

Mayor Jones shrugged, “There was no funding for it. Still isn’t. A fool’s dream.”

Lord Yates smiled wryly. “That’s Serina.”

Lord Yates shook his head ruthfully. “She won’t listen. It’s the influence of those new neotraditionists friends she has. Now I know you agree with some of their ideas in principle, but the some of those thoughts they’re filling her head with? Downright dangerous. Like using eminent domain powers to seize ‘sacred land’ and give it to the natives. Or require landlords to rent to tenants with a violent history, even in their personal residence.”

He threw his hands up in frustration. “She’s too immature to know what’s in her best interest, to think things through. To listen. I know Cynthia tried talking with her, but she refuses to listen to us. She’s never acted out before, but now…She’s going to get me killed, I swear. Gods, I need to get that girl married.” 

He refreshed their glasses with more whisky. They sat in silence, sipping the whisky for a time.

Then slowly, Mayor Jones asked, “You said that Serina was willing to admit that she was never raped.”

Lord Yates didn’t understand what the Mayor was trying to get at. “She’s lying. She just feels sorry for that bastard over what she believes is a overly harsh sentence. She doesn’t understand that branding rapists and harsh sentences like that keeps her and all the other women out there safe. She doesn’t understand why the law was changed to brand rapists in the first place. She’s naive and she thinks lying now will help the poor shit. She has a heart that bleeds all over the floor, even for the raping shit that hurt her.”

Slightly astonished, Mayor Jones asked, “You think she would admit to perjury, knowing the consequences to you?”

“She’s naive enough to. Thanks gods she listened when I told her to keep quiet about if she she valued our family at all. I’m not sure she actually understands the consequences. She fancies herself an independent woman, probably due to the influence of those neotraditionists friends of hers. Still refuses to believe that I’m responsible for her and that I bear the legal consequences for her actions. We kept her too sheltered, spoiled her too much, protected her too much.”

Mayor Jones then suggested, “What if I pardon Serina for the perjury, and by extension, to you for allowing her to testify. We can just say that she was confused. She didn’t know what ‘sexual relations’ meant. We say that they kissed. It was just a kiss. And suddenly, her virtue is now intact for marriage to Daly.”

Lord Yates shook his head. “I can’t agree to that. It won’t be right.”

Mayor Jones pressed, “You say that your daughter loves Daly. Wants to marry him. She’s likely to play along, especially if we tell her what’s at stake. And you need her married. Daly doesn’t hold with neotraditional ideals, he’ll keep her in line. Seems like a solution to me.”

Lord Yates hesitated, tempted to agree.

“If it helps, I’ve met Daly. I know he will treat her right. And he does all right in that business of his. He has a year-long waiting list, so he’s doing good business-wise. Plus, I hear he is expecting a large inheritance as well.”

Lord Yates thought it over then nodded. He weighed the likely gossip over the pardon against the benefit of having Serina safely married. If she was married, she was no longer his responsibility.

“All right. Thank you for the offer. Of course, in appreciation, I’ll make a generous donation to your reelection campaign fund.” Lord Yates said slyly.

Mayor Jones smiled, “Always happy to help my constituents.”

“Great. Then we are agreed.”


End file.
